Setting Limits in Divorce and Divorce Court

© 2026 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

January each year appears to be divorce month. Unhappy couples who have stayed together to get through the holidays for their kids’ sake finally decide it is time to let go. On the other hand, sometimes it is behavior around the holidays which convince one or both parties that their spouse is an alcoholic or narcissist or otherwise no longer tolerable. As a therapist, divorce lawyer, and family mediator, it seems that January starts out with a bang and a flood of new clients. However, I am no longer practicing in those roles myself. Instead, I am exclusively focused on teaching, consulting and writing for High Conflict Institute—primarily to help others manage this time of family transition. 

With that in mind, I have found that learning to set limits in the new family structure is key. Much of this can be done by agreement, but some of it ends up in family courts (the name for most divorce courts). From what I have learned over the past 45 years in these three professions, here are a few tips for people going through divorce and their professionals, (with some book references for those who want further inexpensive information):

1. Set limits on how you will communicate. Ideally, commit to respectful communication in person and in writing. Remember that everything you write, post on social media, and say (especially if a cell phone is recording you) could end up in family court someday to be used against you. In person, you are encouraged to use EAR Statements, which show empathy, attention and respect (see our book Calming Upset People with EAR). In writing, use the BIFF Communication method by being brief, informative, friendly, and firm (see our book BIFF for CoParent Communication). 
2. Protect yourself. The time of separation can be the most dangerous time in a relationship that involves domestic violence or other forms of coercive control (controlling money, friendships, where you go, sex, what you eat, your healthcare, etc.). In such situations, its best to have a safety plan figured out before you separate, so that you have somewhere safe to go, have some funds for a few weeks, have a lawyer to handle legal surprises such as emergency court hearings, and a plan for your children. Getting a Temporary Restraining Order (or “Protective Order”) can help, but that alone does not make one safe if you don’t also have a safety plan. (See my book with Randi Kreger SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder). 
3. Protect your children from divorce conflicts. Even though the other parent may no longer be in the home, this does not mean it’s okay to make disparaging remarks, facial expressions, or other venting behavior about them around the children—or allow others to do so, like friends and other relatives. It is a hard enough time for children without hearing all the negative things possible that could be said about their other parent. Research tells us that children (and adults) amplify the most extreme negative comments and emotions that others say and show when they are upset. When this occurs enough, children can develop a purely negative view of the other parent (become alienated) and resist contact with that parent. This can create great difficulty for both parents, who often fight over whose fault this is—including in family courts, sometime for years. (See our book Don’t Alienate the Kids). 
4. Try mediation or collaborative divorce to stay out of court. Even if your soon-to-be ex has a high conflict personality (preoccupied with blaming others, all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behavior), you can often settle your whole divorce (parenting plan, monthly support, property division, etc.) out of court by agreement. However, while it may be tempting to do it all yourself, you are better off in the long run if you use professionals to help do this accurately and safely, so you don’t have major disputes over mistakes you might make on your own. Legal divorce agreements can be a mine field of problems if you don’t do it right. In mediation, the two parties usually meet with a single mediator for one long day or several shorter meetings. Lawyers may participate in mediation, or may be consulted outside of the sessions, or some mediators work with no lawyers involved. In collaborative divorce, each spouse has their own lawyer who agrees to work hard to help settle the case and agrees never take the case to court. There is often a joint neutral financial advisor involved (best to use a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) and sometimes a joint collaborative divorce coach (who is often a licensed mental health professional). (For professionals providing these out-of-court services for potentially high conflict divorces, we recommend our book Mediating High Conflict Disputes.)  
5. Be prepared to go to family court if necessary. The majority of divorce decisions are made out-of-court, with the paperwork filed with the court and routinely approved to become the final divorce court orders. However, nationwide about twenty percent of divorcing couples go to court to have their decisions made by a judge. Since most states have standard laws for property division and child support guidelines, these are often resolved out of court or quickly in court. This means a significant percentage of court disputes are about parenting plans, often with major fights over how much time each parent will have with their children or who has “custody.” If you believe you may be facing a high conflict divorce, I recommend a “two-track” approach: Try to settle out of court as described above, but be prepared to go to court at any time. Courts can set limits in many areas, including restraining orders, supervised parenting plans, requirements to pay child support and spousal support (depending on the state laws), and other areas. But keep in mind that while family courts often set limits but they often do not impose consequences to hold people accountable, especially in regard to parenting plans. They may change the parenting schedule, but not punish people for violating prior orders or even for lying. (For more on preparing for family court, see SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)
6. Maintain as much stability for the children as possible. With setting limits in mind, the following is a set of 12 Boundaries I wrote for the March 2016 newsletter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) and are just as true today:

Top 12 Tips for Co-Parent Boundaries

When parents separate, their lives need more clearly defined boundaries for their sake and for the children. Two of the most important parenting skills are managing one’s own stress and modeling healthy adult relationship communication. Setting boundaries individually and jointly can protect children from situations when they might be exposed to too much of their parent’s distress and also show them that their separated parents can successfully manage their new lives. The following 12 tips can help:  

1. It’s About the Children
   • It’s easy to get wrapped up in setting, defending or pushing boundaries because of issues between the parents.  After all, everything is different after parents separate and the need for boundaries is much stronger. However, the focus should always been on the children and what’s in their best interest. Sometimes stronger boundaries are worth fighting for (for the children’s benefit) and other times it’s best to be flexible (for the children’s benefit). Ask yourself which would be less stressful for the children in the long run. If you’re unsure, get consultation or advice. With rare exceptions, they are expected to have a significant relationship with both parents. So don’t give the appearance of trying to block your child’s relationship with the other parent, while still having reasonable boundaries to avoid exposing them to too much stress.
2. Separate Homes – Really
   • As soon as possible, it’s best to have respect for each other’s privacy by establishing rights and rules about the family residence. The easiest way to think about rules is to think of the parent who stays (if that’s possible) as the “tenant” and the two of you as the “landlord.” Don’t come over except by the agreement of the tenant. Don’t make big decisions without the agreement of the other landlord (like selling the home or breaking a lease). The former family residence is now one co-parent’s residence, just as the other co-parent’s new residence is treated as his/her separate space. Sometimes parents agree to change the locks. Of course, if there are restraining orders, access may be restricted by court order and the orders should be strictly followed.
3. Parenting Time – and Place
   • In the early stages of most separations, it’s best to establish clearly separate time with the children, without the other parent present. Some parents continue to live together for a while or the “out-parent” has their parenting time at the family residence. This arrangement can work in some cases, but it should be very short-term, so that the out-parent does not feel limited or judged while caring for the children, and the in-parent does not feel crowded and unable to have privacy. Some parents attempt to be “gatekeepers” between the child and the other parent, but this is not standard and should only occur when court orders say so.
4. Parenting Decisions
   • Each parent should have sole decision-making authority in his or her home regarding rules and responsibilities, bedtimes and chores, during his or her parenting time. Each should be allowed to make occasional suggestions to the other, but they are only suggestions. It’s up to the “on duty” parent to decide if they want to use the suggestions. There may be some good ideas to consider, so be open-minded. But children also need to learn that there is more than one way of doing things. If there’s on-going dispute about major joint parenting decisions or the overall parenting schedule, they should be made with professional assistance, such as with a mediator or other professional.   
5. Picking Up the Children
   • Exchanges between co-parents can be one of the most stressful times for children. There is a range of levels of boundaries that parents can set. First is simply agreeing not to discuss “issues” in front of the children during an exchange. While it may seem convenient, it can easily escalate into conflict. Second is not being around each other during an exchange, such as having one parent pick up the children by staying in the car at the curbside in front of the home. Third is not being at the same location at all, such as having each parent pick up the children at school and return to school. Fourth is having exchanges supervised by a neutral third person, such as a relative or friend, or even a professional if necessary. Fifth: neither parent should videotape, record or bring hostile associates to a parenting exchange. Sixth: avoid calling the police if there is a difficult exchange. Protect the children from such a humiliating experience and discuss it later away from the children, such as with a lawyer or counselor or mediator. 
6. Contact During Other Parent’s Time
   • When co-parents have good communication, they still respect each other’s time with the children. So phone calls should be at reasonable times from the other parent and from the child. When communication is potentially tense, then setting a schedule for phone calls can help, such as Tuesday and Thursday evening between 7:00 – 7:30pm. If communication is disruptive or very difficult, it may be best to have no calls in or out of the other parent’s home. Children often feel relieved that they do not have to talk to one parent while at the other’s home. It reduces the likelihood that they will be quizzed by one or both parents about their activities or the call. 
7. Children’s Events
   • Special events for the children, such as sports or school events, should be about the children. If the parents can tolerate being at the same event – and the child wants you both there – then make every effort to make it a positive experience without raising any “issues.” If it could be tense, then plan to have no interaction and sit in separate areas. If it could be extremely tense, then parents should take turns attending these special occasions, or strictly follow the parenting schedule so that the parent caring for the child only attends events that occur during their time.
8. Contact between the Co-Parents
   • If there is on-going tension between the parents, many agree to simply communicate by email except in emergencies. Court orders in high-conflict cases often require that the parents communicate only by email. Many courts order parents to communicate via Our Family Wizard, which keeps track of emails so that parents are more respectful and issues of parent communication can be reviewed if necessary later on. For more information see www.OurFamilyWizard.com.
9. Writing Emails
   • One method of writing emails is the BIFF Response method, which was especially designed for responding to hostility in writing. This method involves making emails Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.  “Brief” usually means just a paragraph or two, so the email doesn’t say more than absolutely necessary. “Informative” means no opinions, emotions, defenses, advice or admonishments  – just straight information, such as Who will do What, When and Where. “Friendly” means including a friendly greeting (Thanks for responding…) or closing.  “Firm” doesn’t mean harsh – it means ending the conversation without one last challenge to the other person or starting a new conflict.  For more information, see: https://highconflictinstitute.com/communication/how-to-write-a-biff-response/. 
10. Avoid Using Children as Messengers
    • One of the most common mistakes separated parents make is to tell the children to tell the other parent some piece of information. It may seem very convenient, since we do this all the time with adults. But it can be very stressful for the child, who is rightfully afraid he or she will suffer the other parent’s anger or irritation with the message. If important information is needed, then the parent should use email. If its urgent, a text message could be sufficient.  
11. Discussions Away from the Children
    • If there are likely difficult phone calls or in-person conversations between the co-parents, they should be held away from the children. This means closing the door to a room where the conversation or phone call takes place. This also means being careful not to make disparaging remarks about the other parent in the presence of the child nor allowing others to do so. (This is a common court order.) In the event that a disparaging remark is made (no one is perfect), it is important to make a “repairing comment,” that lets the child know that you really do support the other parent’s relationship with the child and don’t mean to disrespect that.
12. Discussions with the Children
    • Each parent should be able to discuss anything with the children without restriction by the other parent. But each parent should also use wisdom in having appropriate boundaries on what topics they discuss with the child.  Parents should avoid quizzing the child about the other parent’s household or social life. On the other hand, it’s normal and appropriate to ask a child in general terms “How are you doing? How was your weekend?” That’s part of learning social skills. If the child wants to talk about their time at the other parent’s home, that should be fine. If not, that should be fine too. If one parent is concerned that the other parent is being unsafe or abusive, that parent should avoid quizzing the child and instead consult with a professional about what to do. Children who are repeatedly questioned become less reliable sources of information and more stressed. Better to keep such concerns out of your own relationship with the children, so that they can focus on being children and being happy when they are with you.

BILL EDDY, LCSW, Esq. is a family lawyer, mediator, therapist, author, and the Director of Innovation for the High Conflict Institute. His most recent book is SLIC Solutions for Conflict: Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2½ Steps (Unhooked Books, 2025) with Ekaterina Ricci.