The Trouble with Making Decisions
© 2014 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. The following is an excerpt from the book: The Future of Family Court: Structure, Skills and Less Stress The Trouble with Making Decisions in Family Court Most judges like making decisions and are very good at it. However, with high-conflict people, the issue’s not the issue! As the case in Chapter 2 demonstrates, with HCPs the issue is their personality-based lack of conflict resolution skills and insecure relationships. They bring one issue after another to court for the judge to decide. Ironically, the better you are at making decisions for them, the more likely they are to depend on you for more in the future. Yet the court never satisfies them – and cannot satisfy them. What they are really looking for is: Vindication – that he or she is the “good parent” and that the other parent is the “bad parent,” for everyone to see, once and for all. Court is where vindication is officially bestowed in our society. (Particularly characteristic of Borderlines.) Respect – to make up for all the disrespect the person has received in his or her life. Court is where one can prove that he or she is a superior person and that the other parent is grossly inferior in every way. Being granted custody is the ultimate award. (Particularly characteristic of Narcissists.) Revenge – for abandoning the relationship, which may have been the most secure relationship the person ever had. Humiliation in the public process of Court is the most powerful weapon in today’s society that is accessible to anyone. (Characteristic of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Antisocial HCPs.) Protection from internal fears – to help insecure people feel safe from their frequent and extreme fears. Court has the power to lock people up, keep them away, and teach them a lesson so they will stay away forever. In today’s frightening world, the courts will protect you. (Characteristic of Paranoid HCPs.) Dominance – to put the other person in their place and dominate them again. Court is where one can regain control of someone who is beginning to act too independent. He or she can draw the person back into their life by serving papers requiring attendance at hearings, by serving subpoenas, by taking depositions, by delivering documents requiring responses, by demanding hundreds of personal documents, by seeing each other at court for hearing after hearing. (Characteristic of Antisocial and Borderline HCPs.) Attention – to finally be able to tell one’s story to the person with all the power. To have one’s “day in court.” Court is where one is allowed to freely use all of the drama one can muster, including tears, anger, charm, vulnerability, witnesses and evidence on one’s behalf to exclusively focus on blaming an “all bad” person. (Particularly characteristic of Histrionic HCPs, but all of the above.) It is for these reasons that you don’t want to create a dependency on you for making their decisions. You cannot get it right, because you are missing the point. The decisions they want are based on feelings – such as feeling vindicated, protected, dominating of the other party. Since legal decisions cannot meet such personality-based feelings, they will never be satisfied in court. Strongly Promoting Settlement Hopefully by now it is clear why I am promoting settlement efforts in cases of HCP parents – who lack settlement skills. This is a huge opportunity for family courts to help children by requiring their parents to learn conflict resolution skills and to practice them in their parenting and at court. This may only be at a very minimal level, but this must become an expectation of the court. When judges and other professionals make brilliant decisions for parents, it removes the motivation for them to learn to make any decisions themselves for their family. Therefore, judges should repeatedly quiz parents on what they have learned and how they have practiced their skills. The more that judges send the message that settlement is the standard expectation, the more that parents will try to fulfill that expectation. Praising them for their successes means a lot to HCP parents, who are constantly looking for validation from the court. It’s better to give validation for small successes in reaching agreement with the other parent, than for big “wins” against the other parent. Treatments for personality disorders have been showing us that many HCP parents may be able to change, with sufficient structure, learning small skills in small steps, and enough encouragement. Therefore, courts should shift the burden to parents to acquire and practice their skills in making decisions about their children. Judges should resist the urge to just make the decision for them, as much as possible. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, and mediator. He is the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute, a training and consultation firm that trains professionals to deal with high conflict people and situations. He is the author of several books and methods for handling high conflict personalities and high conflict disputes with the most difficult people.
Why Healing is Hard for High-Conflict People
© 2014 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. “Just get over it,” I remember the judge saying in court to a divorced man and woman, who had returned to court for the umpteenth time arguing about what he did and what she did with their children recently. “I got divorced ten years ago, and I got over it! And my 20-year-old son got over it, too!” the judge exclaimed. Unfortunately, some people don’t “just get over it” – even years later. Why is this? What should they do? And what should professionals do to help them – and their children? This article aims to explain why grieving and healing are extremely difficult for high-conflict people and why focusing on their emotional healing may be a mistake, whereas other approaches may really benefit them. The Grieving Process Fifty years ago, in her classic book On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross explained five stages of the grieving process that people go through when facing the deaths of those close to them and when facing our own. Since then, we have learned that the same grieving process applies when facing any major loss, including loss of a marriage (divorce), loss of a job, loss of a house and loss of a good friend who moves away. Even the person who initiates leaving a job or a partner of many years goes through the grieving process. Here are the five stages she identified: Denial: “It can’t be happening to me. I don’t believe it. It can’t be true.” Anger: “If it is happening, I’m mad as hell and I’m going to fight this all the way.” Bargaining: “If I just really do this different and that different, can I avoid this loss?” Depression: “Now I really feel sad. I don’t want to go out; talk to anyone. I cry a lot.” Acceptance: “I realize she’s not coming back and it still hurts a little, but doesn’t stop me in my tracks anymore.” You can see how this can apply to many situations over a lifetime, and how we need to grieve and heal to move forward in our lives. Yet this is where high-conflict people have a lot of trouble. High-Conflict People From my observations and studies over the past decade and a half, high-conflict people (“HCPs”) seem to be stuck in a narrow range of behavior that includes: A preoccupation with blaming others Lots of all-or-nothing thinking Unmanaged emotions (including rigidly controlled in some cases) Extreme behaviors (that 90% of people would never do, even under stress) They also seem to have some traits of personality disorders, if not a full personality disorder. Personality disorders also have some of the above characteristics, except that many of them are not preoccupied with blaming anyone in particular. The ones who are HCPs appear to be the ones with a “target of blame” who they are willing to attack verbally, physically, financially, legally and/or publicly. They are generally stuck in this behavior and can’t focus on themselves and changing their own behavior. They are repeatedly stuck in the past, defending their past behavior and criticizing others’ past behavior – and talking about this with anyone who will listen. It’s as if they cannot grieve and heal the past, which causes them to increase conflicts rather than resolving them. That’s why they’re called “high-conflict people.” But don’t call them this; they will attack you back – sometimes for months or years. Remember, they easily get stuck. This is true no matter how smart, beautiful, experienced and skilled they are at their jobs and other successful endeavors. It’s all about close relationships. Why Can’t They Heal? HCPs seem to get stuck in the Anger stage of the grieving process. It really seems that they can’t handle the Depression stage, with its full-blown sadness and sense of vulnerability. They seem psychologically defended against having those feelings by staying angry and preoccupied with others – sometimes holding on to them through extended conflicts. (We see high-conflict divorce cases that last many more years than the marriage – fighting over children, past finances, etc.) My belief is that this has to do with “attachment theory” and that many personality disorders (or those with just traits) are really attachment disorders. This means that in early childhood they did not have a secure attachment with a parent (or other person) which is necessary to develop many skills and capacities – including a sense of safety to feel extreme emotions and manage them. Infants gain emotion management through mirroring their parents’ (and other attachment figures) management of emotions. For example, when a baby is screaming bloody murder and Mom or Dad come over and say soothing words in a comforting tone of voice, the infant slowly calms himself or herself down to match the mood of the parent. This happens over and over again when a child has a “secure attachment” with one or more parents (and other attachment figures, such as grandparents, siblings, etc.). But imagine if the parent came over to the child who was screaming and slapped the child and yelled at the child. The child’s upset will grow and the child will feel even more distressed and not learn to calm him or herself, and will not feel safe to share upset feelings. “Dissociation” is the term that mental health professionals use to describe when such an infant shuts off his or her feelings and goes into a trance-like state, if their distress becomes too extreme. Many people with personality disorders describe experiencing this state of dissociation (although they may not remember what happens during it) and many therapists have seen clients momentarily drift off in the middle of discussing very upsetting issues – as though they had left the room and were no longer there. This is especially true for people who were physically and/or sexually abused as young children. It’s an extreme coping mechanism. It also may become a daily way of dealing with emotional and physical neglect.
Managing Your Narcissistic Boss
© 2014 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. “How do I deal with my narcissistic boss?” is the most common complaint I get about high-conflict people in the workplace. They are everywhere, and seem to be increasing these days – from the lowest supervisor to the self-destructive owner of the business. They generally seek positions over others in order to help themselves feel better about themselves – because unconsciously they feel helpless and inferior. They need people below them to reassure them that they are “superior.” But it’s never enough. Narcissistic bosses want (need?) constant reminders that they are the “best,” the “brightest,” the “richest,” or anything that feels one-up to those around them. If you have such a boss, you will naturally feel miserable. It’s the human response to being treated as an inferior. The trick is to learn how to “manage” this boss, until you can permanently get away from him or her. Here are some tips: 1.Understand their predictable patterns of behavior. Narcissists are self-absorbed. They lack empathy for others, are arrogant, feel entitled, and manipulate relationships to serve their own interests. At the conscious level they truly believe they are superior to those around them, but at an unconscious level they are very insecure. They demand attention and admiration from those around them. If you directly confront a narcissistic boss, he or she will do everything possible to “put you down,” to recover from the “narcissistic injury” you have caused them by temporarily destroying their fantasy of superiority. 2.Understand that their behavior is deeply rooted. Personality traits are mostly formed in early childhood for all of us. Narcissistic personalities are often developed: A) because of biological tendencies present before birth; B) as a defense mechanism against child abuse or an insecure “attachment” with one or more parent figures; or C) from being overly-empowered as a child without normal social limits or responsibilities. Therefore, you are not going to change their personality or get them to “look in the mirror” at their own behavior. Instead, you need to manage them in small ways that help you cope on a daily basis. 3.Understand their moods and behavior will swing back and forth. Narcissists can be very charming at times – usually to “win” people as friends or allies. Narcissists can be very vindictive at other times – usually as a result of a “narcissistic injury” when someone has threatened their superior self-image, either privately or publically. Both of these moods are temporary, so it’s not hopeless when he or she is being vindictive, and its not over when he or she is being charming again. You can often influence these moods. You just have to be careful. I know you will resent having to watch your own behavior so much, but it’s not that hard and it will make your life so much easier. 4.Try to connect with Empathy, Attention and/or Respect (E.A.R.). I know this is the opposite of what you feel like doing. But this really works. Look interested when your narcissistic boss talks to you. “Butter him/her up” with an occasional compliment, asking a question (such as asking for advice on something), sharing an interesting tidbit of information, or thanks for some positive contribution. But be careful not to lie about a compliment, or put down your own skills in the conversation. Just be matter-of-fact and let the focus be on him or her for a few minutes. Don’t get defensive, because their comments are not about you. Resisting your own defensiveness can take great personal strength, but you can do it – especially if you remind yourself “It’s Not About Me” before you have a talk. It’s about the narcissistic boss’ insecurities and lack of effective social skills. 5.Analyze your realistic options. It helps to write down what has happened, to help you get perspective and take it less personally. Then write down what your options are: get a different job at a different company; get a different position at the same company; talk to someone else about strategies for dealing with this boss (human resources, ombudsperson, his or her supervisor, etc.); study your companies’ policy on bullying; etc. Knowing you have options will make you much stronger in the face of someone else’s ridiculous behavior. Just avoid direct confrontation, which is tempting when you feel stronger. You may need a positive evaluation or recommendation some day from this narcissistic boss. Instead, focus on something else, such as counting the days until you will no longer have to work for this boss. 6.Respond quickly to misinformation. Narcissistic bosses often “kiss up” to their superiors in the workplace hierarchy, to make themselves look good. This often includes putting someone else down, such as spreading belittling remarks about you or others. Without directly challenging the narcissist, you should provide the correct information as soon as possible, so that others in your company do not come to believe that these criticisms about you are true. If an email contains misinformation, respond in an email and just say something like: “In case anyone was unclear about …, here are some details which you might find helpful…” Then focus on factual information, without commenting on the distortions that may have preceded it. Your matter-of-fact tone and factual information will show that you are the more credible person. If you slip into counter-attacks you will hurt your own credibility in the long run. 7.Carefully set limits on really bad behavior. Narcissistic bosses are constantly violating other people’s boundaries, constantly insulting, and constantly demanding of attention. You are not going to change these behavior patterns, but you may be able to “contain” or stop specific behaviors for a while. First, think of the behavior that you want. Then think about whether this is a limit you could set personally (like saying: “I have to go now, in order to finish the project you asked me to do yesterday”) or need help in setting limits (like from the boss’ supervisor, a union