Why They Don’t Get It?
Why Don’t They Get It? © 2015 By L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW and Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. It’s so aggravating! No matter what you say or do, that certain employee is blind to their behavior and how they negatively impact coworkers, clients, and their own performance. In this post, Bill Eddy and Georgi DiStefano address that problem in a “RAD” new way. The Counterproductive Coworker One of the most frequent questions we hear in workplace conflicts, in counseling, and in mediation, is “Why doesn’t the other person ‘get it?’” Clients often bitterly complain that despite the clearest of circumstances, the other person appears to have no idea how difficult or harmful, or counterproductive they are being. Often our clients shake their heads in disbelief. “They aren’t a stupid person, why can’t they see this”? Unfortunately, the other party frequently has what we term a “high conflict personality.” In our book It’s All Your Fault at Work”, we mention that one of the major characteristics of a high-conflict personality is the inability or reduced ability to self-reflect and change. These are two characteristics of a personality disorder: the inability to self-reflect and to change. Ability to Reflect? Counselors will tell you that during a counseling session, most people lay out the problem and explain the various players. However, before the hour is over most healthy people begin to reflect on their part of the conflict. They might say “I should have done this or I could have said that.” They begin to take some responsibility for their contribution to the conflict. However, HCPs generally do not “self-reflect”. They take no responsibility for the problem. “It’s all your fault,” they think. They do not see their contribution to the problem because they cannot consider and reflect upon their own behavior. The more you try to get them to see it, the more escalated the problem will become. Focus on the Future Focus instead on the future. We call these “feed-forward” conversations. Ask the other party to make a proposal or offer one to you. Avoid discussing what has already occurred as much as possible because it will only escalate the conflict. What to do? In our book we discuss taking a RAD approach: R Recognize that you may be dealing with an HCP. This means that they have little ability to self-reflect or take responsibility. You don’t have to be certain – you can use these tools with anyone. A Adapt your responses accordingly. Give up trying to get them to see the issue as you do. Avoid direct criticism or anger. Try to focus on the future. D Deliver a CARS response: Connecting, Analyzing, Responding and Setting Limits. Utilizing The CARS Method®, work with the individual to obtain a mutually agreeable solution. This will require that you do not to take the issue personally and do not escalate your own emotions. The key is to focus on managing the relationship in a productive way. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic, developed methods for managing high-conflict disputes, and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries. He is also co-host of the popular podcast, It’s All Your Fault, and writes a popular blog on Psychology Today. L. GEORGI DISTEFANO, LCSW is an award-winning author, international speaker, licensed clinical social worker, and the recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award from the National Association of Social Workers San Diego chapter. She has extensive experience in the management of substance abuse programs and employee assistance programs, as well as workplace conflict resolution.
10 Thoughts for Divorcing Parents
© 2014 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Pat knew divorce was inevitable. It was a matter of WHEN? After the children are past the age of 5? 8? 10? 14? They had all tried to keep the family together, but they were individually coming apart at the seams…. Divorce is usually painful for everyone involved. But how to shield your children from unnecessary pain – this is the question!If you are planning or have recently divorced, here are a few things to consider: 1. There’s Hope Divorce itself has not been shown to cause long-term negative effects on children. It is the way that people handle the divorce which makes a difference. Most (about 80%) of children have basically adjusted to the divorce within one to two years after the initial separation. While feelings and issues remain, basic healing and stability usually occur. 2. Nobody’s perfect. People are not trained in how to get divorced or how to be a parent. We live in a changing world and there is no one right answer for what to do, such that many ways work and each situation is unique. 3. The level of conflict is usually the biggest problem. Research has shown that a high level of conflict between the parents is more disruptive to children’s development than whether their parents divorced. This research shows that a high-conflict marriage is harder on children than a low-conflict divorce. A high-conflict divorce is even worse. 4. Stability is a key factor for children of any age. To the extent possible, parents should try to keep or create routines that the children can count on. Children need consistency on which to base their growth. Therefore, firm rules, regular activities, special time with the child, etc. are very helpful. 5. Explain changes ahead of time, if possible. Children and adults adjust to change more easily if we can prepare first in our minds. No one likes surprises of the upsetting kind. 6. Make time to listen to your child Children need to process feelings and worries much like adults do. Listening with interest and without judgment is important. Avoid reacting to what the child says with your own issues or conclusions. 7. Avoid criticisms of the other parent in front of the child. This is easy to say and hard to do, but very important. Your child needs to have a relationship with the other parent and children do better when they are not caught in the middle. 8. Move slowly introducing children to your new relationships. Your child already has a lot to cope with. The more pressure to like someone new, the more negative their reaction. 9. Get adult support for yourself. While you want to inform the child of what is going on, don’t rely on the child for support. You need to talk, so find many people to talk to. 10. Do fun activities with your child. By enjoying time with your child, you will both feel better and be healthier for it. These suggestions won’t make all pain go away. They might just help make the decision to divorce manageable for you and your children. If you have more detailed questions or concerns, continue reading on the subject; ask for resources from your child’s school counselor or teacher; or seek the help of a trained EAP or mental health professional. You might be surprised at how much help you can get to give you direction and quiet your worries. Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, and mediator. He is the co-founder and Training Director of the High Conflict Institute, a training and consultation firm that trains professionals to deal with high conflict people and situations. He is the author of several books and methods for handling high conflict personalities and high conflict disputes with the most difficult people.
Hiring a Divorce Lawyer Who Understands High Conflict
©2014 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Excerpt from Chapter 7: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder) Selecting the right attorney may be your single biggest decision. Interview at least three attorneys before choosing the one you want to retain as your advocate through what may be the roller-coaster ride of a lifetime. Ideally, look for an attorney who: Has experience in your court: Your attorney should know the judges and what to expect in their courtrooms. There is some variation among counties, so find a local attorney who knows the local rules and is respected by your judge. Is easy to communicate with: Your attorney should be open to your input and concerns, and work closely with you in handling surprises and legal maneuvers. Understands difficult personalities in family-court cases: While you may not find an attorney with specific knowledge of BP and NP traits, some are better than others at handling common manipulations and false statements. Few attorneys recognize and understand PDs. They simply view blamers as jerks, liars, or incredibly frustrating opponents. If you find an attorney who is experienced in your court, easy to communicate with, and open minded; returns your phone calls; and is willing to share decision making with you, you may be able to educate him on the personality issues. Keep in mind that most family law attorneys are reluctant to take potentially high-conflict cases, because blamers drain their energy, too. Using referral sources, such as the following ones, is more effective than making cold calls from the phone book. After getting names, be sure to interview the lawyer yourself. Mental health professionals: Contact a mental health professional who knows about PDs and works on family-law cases. Psychologists, clinical social workers, and family counselors regularly testify in court or do assessments for the court. Mental health organizations (such as a psychiatric hospital or counseling clinic): Explain your situation to someone who has dealt with people with BP or NP traits, and then ask if the person has referrals to three attorneys. Family and friends: Someone you know may have had a good experience with an attorney in a difficult case. Keep in mind that the case may have been quite different from yours. Referral service: Most county bar associations have referral services that usually give out three names. Then you can interview all three and make a choice. Court observation: If you’ve got the time, go to the court where your case will be heard and observe the attorneys. See the way they interact with each other and argue their cases. If you like one, go up afterward and ask for a business card. Questions to Ask There’s a wide range of attorneys; you’ll want to find one who fits you like a partner, accompanying you through the ups and downs of what will likely be an unpleasant journey. Here are some critical questions to ask: How do you usually communicate with clients? Look for answers that include a usual response time for returning phone calls of at least twenty-four to forty-eight hours, depending on the urgency of the issue. You don’t want an attorney who will always pass you off to an assistant, associate, or secretary. Sometimes staff will be able to help you, which saves you money. Just make sure you have access to your lawyer when you need it. Ask how easy it is to schedule an appointment with the attorney when you want to discuss your case. When you speak with a prospective attorney, notice whether she is distracted by other matters (phone calls, papers to review, and so on). Does she seem attentive? Is the attorney a good listener, or does he interrupt or take over the conversation before you explain your concerns? Do you prefer to negotiate or go to court? About how many cases have you settled this year? About how many cases have you taken to court for hearings or trials? While negotiations may work, many attorneys quickly become frustrated with blamers’ rigid thinking, mood swings, arrogance, and disrespect. These attorneys may try to avoid this mess by prematurely ending negotiations. That’s not what you want. You want a lawyer who won’t take these traits personally and will exhaust all settlement options before going to court. But a credible threat of going to court sometimes helps settle a case, so be sure to hire a lawyer who is equally competent in and out of court. When you use the same attorney for court whom you used in negotiations, that person will be familiar with you and with the other side’s manipulations, allegations, and rigid thinking. Patterns of behavior that occurred in negotiations (which will probably escalate in court) may help your attorney plan a winning strategy. Have you ever handled a case like mine before? Ideally, the answer is yes. Some attorneys may have had lots of experience with your type of case, and others will be relatively new. Experience matters a lot in law, because there are so many details, rules, and tools you’ll use. It’s helpful if the attorney is familiar with your judge and how your judge handles cases like yours. What steps would you take in handling a case like mine? There is no right answer to this question. Mostly, you want to see if the attorney’s steps make sense to you and if she explains things to your satisfaction. This will give you an idea of whether the attorney is familiar with the common problems of persuasive blamers or if he’s merely guessing. You’ll also get an idea of whether you feel comfortable with this attorney’s approach. Make sure this person is open to your information and suggestions. Do you believe that most abuse allegations are true or false? Does the lawyer jump to conclusions about your case? Is she honest with you about her experience, availability, and the strengths and weaknesses of your case? Beware of attorneys who readily accept any abuse