Dating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New Relationship
Dating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New Relationship ©2017 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. & Megan Hunter, MBA “He’s just no good for you!” “But I love him!” “She’s trouble, I’m telling you!” “But I love her!” This is the kind of friendly advice that many people get from their friends or family when they are involved with a potentially high conflict partner. And these are the kinds of responses that many people give their friends and family. We estimate that about ten percent of the population has high conflict personalities, which means that in close relationships they have: extreme behavior or threats, intense or unmanaged emotions, lots of all-or-nothing thinking and a preoccupation with blaming others. When one of our friends or family members gets into a relationship with an obviously high conflict person, we want to just scream at them to get out as fast as they can. But they don’t. Why? This article addresses this question. Human Nature In her book Liespotting: Proven Techniques to Detect Deception, Pamela Meyer tells us that it is human nature to trust people: Unless we’re given a reason to believe otherwise, human beings—Americans in particular—are generally hardwired to assume that what we are told is true and that what we see is real. When somebody says, “Oh, I sent you the report two days ago. You didn’t get my email?” we’re usually inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. Charm and Love Potentially high conflict people are much more charming than average, because they have a lot to cover up on the negative side. Charm can be so intense and so flattering that it distracts and blinds you to the potential of trouble ahead. That’s what it’s intended to do, although it’s usually not as purposeful as that. This is just part of their personality—their automatic way of thinking, feeling and behaving. The Spark Most people who’ve been in love with someone with a high conflict personality report feeling an immediate and intense spark in the beginning. In fact, in a survey we are conducting for Dating Radar, a book we are writing on this topic, 77.5% of participants to date reported having an immediate spark with their troubled former romantic partner. Instead of recognizing the spark as a potential red flag foreshadowing future relationship trouble, it’s experienced as a positive sign to proceed without caution. Yearning When we are yearning for something, we are much more easily manipulated by the promises, performances and words that people use. We want to hear how wonderful they are. We want to believe that the future with this person will be rosy. This human trait sets us up for the emotional messages of those who are more manipulative—and charming. We attract exactly what we think we need. Childhood Sadly, many people have had many bad relationship experiences in their lives. If this has been true because of adverse childhood events (child abuse, trauma, loss of a parent), they may have extreme fantasies about future relationship partners. The average person will be unable to fulfill these fantasies for them, because real life for adults is more ordinary than the intensity they are looking for. So they are more vulnerable to the intensity that high-conflict people present, and more likely to mistake this intensity for love. Yet this can explain some very powerful negative attractions. Also, if childhood family relationships (the basis for our adult love relationships) were abusive or neglectful, a person may have grown up without developing the radar for recognizing unhealthy relationship behavior. There’s Always a Reason One of the characteristics of high conflict people is that they always have a believable reason for their bad behavior. They are used to being confronted with it and have been practicing their excuses for many years. “Someone else” treated them badly, so they had to respond in kind. They were “doing a good deed” for someone, which got in the way of doing their obligations. Their lack of planning is reframed to be a good quality: “spontaneity.” Their dishonesty is reframed to be “protecting your feelings.” “Certainly you understand.” Denial Denial is most commonly recognized as a characteristic of alcoholism and addiction. The person is so addicted to the substance, that he or she is blind to the harm its doing to them and their own body, finances, relationships, etc. We can understand this, because of the powerful influence of chemicals over the person’s thinking. With relationships it can be very similar. The chemicals of love—especially for those feeling desperate and unworthy—can be very powerful and seductive. Protecting Denial One of the more surprising aspects of denial in matters of love is that when outsiders challenge it, the person in denial increases their defense of their relationship partner rather than doubting the relationship more. This may have deep biological roots, in that it helps for people to stick together who are being attacked by an outside enemy. Just because the “attack” is verbal nowadays, we tend to stick with the person with whom we have the most emotional relationship. Even bad love may seem better than no love. This is the message our emotions seem to tell us. This is a compelling aspect of abusive relationships and why it is so hard for victims of such relationships to get away from their partners. And of course their partners are continually justifying their abuse and saying that no one else can “love you like I do.” What Others Can Do If you have a friend who appears to be in dating denial, it is important to remain supportive. A little confrontation may be helpful, but if your friend is highly defensive and has no interest in your opinion, it’s usually better to back off and keep your positive relationship going despite your different points of view. You don’t have to keep your opinions a secret, but don’t build the person’s resistance to your input. Someday he or she may welcome your thoughts and appreciate your understanding—if you’ve maintained your supportive friendship. What
5 Tips for Setting Boundaries in Relationships
5 Tips for Setting Boundaries in Relationships ©2017 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. We continue to get requests for suggestions for setting boundaries in relationships—especially when there is a high-conflict person involved. (See past article: Boundaries in Separation and Divorce) The most recent question involves what to do when your boundaries are not respected, even when you’ve made them clear. First of all, this is a very common issue with high-conflict people. They tend to “push the limits” of most relationships they are in, because they lack self-management skills, are driven by their upset emotions, lack empathy, and are so absorbed in their own needs and chaos that they can’t see the effect they have on others. Yet individuals and relationships need boundaries to survive, so this is a very important issue. Be prepared for setting boundaries to be an ongoing problem with a high-conflict person, rather than a one-time thing (“Hey! I don’t like it when you do that!” And yet they keep doing that.) So here’s several choices or tips: You may have to keep reminding the person. If you’re getting something positive out of the relationship, then just be prepared to regularly say: “Remember, I don’t like it when you do that!” And: “Let’s stay focused on the subject we’re talking about. Or the project we’re working on right now. Or our plans for dinner.” Keep it simple. “That’s enough Joe.” Then change the subject. That may be all you need to say. Don’t bother going into a long explanation of why you are setting a limit, or why the person should change, or how frustrated you are with the person. It’s not about logic and insight for a person who repeatedly violates your boundaries. It’s about stopping the behavior right now. Reduce your relationship contact. This may be someone you can’t be around as much as you had thought. Yet there may be some good qualities to the relationship, so find a new balance that you can feel more comfortable with. For example: “My time is really crunched right now. I’m not going to be able to get together this week after all.” Or: “I’m not willing to talk about that subject. Let’s talk about something else.” Or: “I’m not willing to do this with you, if you’re going to be inviting other people along. I had hoped we could spend this time together ourselves.” Or: “I’m not willing to get together with you, unless so-and-so can join us too.” It’s all about telling yourself you have the right to set limits on when, where, how and with whom you do things. End your relationship contact. If you have a friend, relative or partner who repeatedly violates your boundaries, it may not be beneficial for you to continue in that relationship. If you’re staying in it because you hope the person will change, you may need to forget about it. Of course, do this carefully if you think the person has a high-conflict personality. They may feel intensely abandoned, belittled, dominated, ignored or betrayed when you say you want to end it. It may help to slowly distance yourself from the person in steps, rather than dramatically and suddenly ending the relationship. Also, don’t blame the person or blame yourself. Just recognize that your styles and needs are different, and try to go away in peace. When people dump a long, angry statement on the person when they want to leave, it tends to escalate the relationship intensity, rather than reducing it. That’s when things can get dangerous. Get help, if necessary. Get help if you are afraid of the person or believe he or she may do something harmful to you or your reputation, if you end the relationship or simply set strong limits. Speak to a counselor or lawyer or respected friend or family member who may be able to assist you in setting limits. This can be hard and sometimes dangerous. Get advice and possibly have someone with you when you set limits. In some extreme cases, it’s best to have someone such as a lawyer be a go-between and communicate with the other person for you, so that you are not in direct contact at all. This is a common practice in high-conflict divorce cases where there is a restraining order for no contact, so all communication goes through a lawyer. Setting boundaries is a bigger issue these days, because relationships no longer have the social standards they used to have. Everything has become much more flexible and negotiable. This has a lot of benefits in the modern world, but it also means we need to strengthen our own skills at saying “No,” making choices and expressing what we want and need—including boundaries. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic, developed methods for managing high-conflict disputes, and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries. He is also co-host of the popular podcast, It’s All Your Fault, and writes a popular blog on Psychology Today.
Handling Probate Cases with Toxic Families
Handling Probate Cases with Toxic Families ©2017 John Edwards & Judy Copeland All families are psychotic. Everybody has basically the same family, it’s justreconfigured slightly from one to the next. –Douglas Copeland While probate cases can involve banks and charities, most often they involve family members and friends. “Probate” is used broadly here to refer to probate estate administration, trust administration, conservatorships, eldercare cases and litigation involving the same. When a family member dies or becomes incapacitated, there is a risk that one or more members of the family will become a curse upon the rest. When family dynamics erupt, litigation frequently makes the crisis worse. The litigation process causes parties to become entrenched in their positions. Many of the disputes that arise in probate matters can be avoided or lessened in its intensity by advanced planning. A good estate planner can sometimes anticipate potential trouble and make provisions in the planning document to prevent it. For example, in cases of sibling rivalry, naming one sibling to be in charge of the estate can generate resentment among the other siblings. Naming a professional fiduciary will likely prevent it. In the context of mediation, however, advance planning is not an option so a solution needs to be identified to resolve disputes. Here are some of the common disputes that arise in probate mediations and how to address them. Trust Administration Disputes. One child is named as the trustee and has been holding the trust assets for over two years. His two siblings are furious that they have not received their inheritance and believe the trustee is trying to wear down his siblings because he wants to buy the family home himself, for a discount. Sibling B believes that Sibling A unduly influenced their father to amend his trust to favor A over B. A dispute raises issues of who was the favored child and why. A late-life marriage to a younger person who will benefit at the deceased children’s expense. This type of dispute is often accompanied by claims of undue influence, mistreatment of the older spouse, theft of property, and occasionally, causing the death of the older spouse. Probate Estates have many of the same issues. A favored child is placed in charge of the estate over the others. A larger distribution to one child over others. A distribution to a charity or a non-relative over a family member. The manner in which the administrator/executor child has spent money and otherwise managed or mismanaged the estate. Conservatorships. These cases not only involve the management of the finances of an impaired family member, they often involve the care of a family member. Issues arise such as: Placement in a nursing home (Is it necessary? Which one?). One family member moving in to provide the care and being paid for it. One family member isolating the impaired family member, preventing others from visiting and leading to suspicion about the care being provided. The amount of money being spent on care. Abuse claims. Because so many of these probate, trust, and conservatorship disputes are driven by intense emotions experienced by the parties – which often have their roots in dysfunctional family dynamics going back many years if not decades – emotions often interfere with the business of settlement. The lawyers in the case may buy into their clients’ emotions or urge the clients to “set emotion aside” and engage only in logical legal analysis to find resolution. We can identify the problem, but what is the solution? The goal is to get the clients to look forward, not backward. The human brain can’t be focused on the past and in the future at the same time. Two tools are valuable at this point: communication and recognition. (See: Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement™) The client may frequently need to express his or her displeasure to someone who has acknowledged the difficulty of their situation. It is inefficient for a mediator to devote hours to this venting process but is worth devoting some time to actively listening to the parties and expressing enough empathy to allow them to feel heard, enabling them to set aside their emotions. At that point, we can ask the parties to take a more businesslike approach with a focus on making proposals to resolve the conflict. Proposals should contain the basic three “W” elements: WHO does WHAT and WHEN. During the negotiations continually remind the client that the goal is to extricate themselves from a nasty situation in a manner that is fair. JOHN C. EDWARDS is an attorney, mediator and trainer for the High Conflict Institute. He has taught the High Conflict Personality Theory for the Advanced Mediation Training Program at the National Conflict Resolution Center, as well as in many seminars given to a wide array of professional groups in various states. As a skilled dispute resolver, John began his mediation practice in 2002 after practicing law as a litigator for many years. Since then, he has successfully mediated hundreds of cases including real estate matters, professional malpractice, personal injury, employment disputes, probate, and business disputes in addition to his speaking and training engagements. JUDITH (JUDY) COPELAND is a lawyer and mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center. She practiced law exclusively in the areas of probate, estate planning, trusts, conservatorships, guardianships, and elder law for 39 years. She authored two chapters of CEB’s California Will Drafting and has lectured extensively for a variety of legal organizations including CEB, the Rutter Group, the California Judges Association, several local Bar Association and the California State Bar. She retired from the active practice of law in 2014 to devote her time and skills to mediations. She believes that most of the disputes in these areas of law are particularly suitable for mediation and that the clients are best served when agreement can be reached.