How to Spot High Conflict People (before it’s too late to avoid them)
©2018 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. High-conflict people (HCPs) have high-conflict personalities. This means they have an ongoing pattern of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behavior or threats, and a preoccupation with blaming others. They have a Target of Blame, whom they regularly bully, harass, blame, humiliate, annoy, spread rumors about, and subject to many other adversarial behaviors. This pattern increases and maintains interpersonal conflicts, rather than reducing or resolving them — which is what most people try to do. How can you spot HCPs early on, instead of being caught by surprise? How can you avoid marrying them, hiring them, working for them, living next door to them or any other number of bad situations? Look at their words, your emotions, and their behavior. Words It’s easy to watch out for their words. Do they speak in extremes most of the time, such as all-or-nothing terms? Are people either all good or all bad in their eyes? Or winners or losers? Do they blame other people for their own problems? Are they unable to reflect on themselves and see their part in problems? The more frequently you see this type of problem, the more likely you will have to deal with it in the future. If people are all good or all bad in their eyes, you may be next. Don’t fall for their extremely pretty words — they may cover up some very ugly behavior in your future relationship, whether it’s romantic, work-related, or community-based. Emotions What are your emotions around the person? Do you feel uncomfortable or on the defensive? Do you feel like you have to justify yourself around them? Do you feel angry with them or angry with someone else, after they spoke about someone else? Emotions are contagious, and high-conflict emotions are highly contagious. You may catch the person’s fearful or enraged emotions, which be harmful to you if you act on them towards others. High-conflict people are always trying to recruit negative advocates for themselves, who will fight their fights and defend them when they are caught misbehaving. If you feel yourself getting sucked into one of their battles against someone else, stand clear! Behavior Does the person have a history of extreme behavior? Do they constantly try to justify their extreme behavior with excuses, such as being tired or stressed, or say they are just responding to someone else’s extreme behavior? Would 90 percent of people ever do what this person has done? Even a single incident can tip you off to the presence of a pattern beneath the surface sometimes if the single incident is something that 90 percent of people would never do — even if they were tired, stressed or otherwise out of sorts. Keep in mind that high-conflict people can look good and behave extremely well for weeks or months sometimes, before showing their full range of negative behavior. Unless you have seen them in a crisis or close relationship, you may not know their potential for high-conflict behavior. The WEB Method® All put together, I call this three-part analysis the “WEB Method,” so it’s easy to remember, especially under stress. Over time, I find that I can fairly quickly pick up on high-conflict statements and then check my own emotional responses around certain people. This method is explained in depth in my new book, 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities. An additional part of this method is noticing the underlying fears and self-sabotaging patterns of each of the five types of high-conflict personalities that I describe in an earlier blog: Narcissistic HCPs are characterized by an underlying fear of being inferior or powerless, so they are constantly putting themselves above other people — which alienates them in the process and tends to make people look down on them. Borderline HCPs have a deep fear of being abandoned, so they are constantly clinging and demanding reassurance, but alternating that with occasional rages when they feel abandoned — which often pushes people to abandon them. Antisocial HCPs really don’t want to be dominated by others, so they try hard to dominate others, but often end up in prison, where they are dominated. Paranoid HCPs have a fear of being betrayed by those around them, so they may overreact and attack those they fear — which tends to drive people to turn on them. Histrionic HCPs are preoccupied with being the center of attention and will often publicly criticize other people’s behavior (their Targets of Blame) in an effort to get sympathy and more attention. Knowing these patterns makes it easier to spot them, especially when this is combined with observing the four characteristics of HCPs at the top of this article. The three-step WEB Method℠ helps you decide to engage or back off. All of this spotting takes practice and occasionally gets caught by surprise. It’s always easier to stay out of a relationship from the start, rather than trying to get out after a painful experience. And splitting up with high-conflict people is often when you see the most extreme behavior of all. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic, developed methods for managing high-conflict disputes, and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries. He is also co-host of the popular podcast, It’s All Your Fault, and writes a popular blog on Psychology Today.
Anybody You Know? Predictable Characteristics of High Conflict People
©2018 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. For the past twenty years I have been studying and teaching about high-conflict people (HCPs) and how to manage them in legal disputes, workplace disputes, neighbor disputes and other situations. HCPs have a narrow personality pattern of: Preoccupation with blaming others. All-or-nothing thinking. Unmanaged emotions that throw them off-course. Extreme behaviors (that 90% of people would never do). Thus, their conflicts increase instead of being managed or resolved. After dealing with hundreds of these situations, I have developed a list of 40 predictable behaviors you can anticipate once you have seen the four characteristics above. The full list of 40 is contained in my latest book 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life. Here’s the first 20 of the 40 predictable characteristics: Won’t reflect on their own behavior. Won’t have insights about their part in problems. Won’t understand why they behave the way they do. Won’t change their behavior. Won’t seek counseling or any form of real advice. Won’t understand why they succeed in the short term (when they are initially charming and persuasive) and why they fail in the long-term (when reality sets in). Will become extremely defensive if someone tells them to change. Will claim their behavior is normal and necessary, given the circumstances. Will lack empathy for others, although they may say the right words. Will be preoccupied with drawing attention to themselves. May be preoccupied with the past; defending their own actions and attacking others. May have a public persona that’s very good, covering a negative personality in private. May call others crazy when it’s suggested that they are being inappropriate. May bully others, but defend themselves by saying that they were bullied. Will be preoccupied with blaming others, even for very small or non-existent events. Will have lots of energy for blaming others, since they don’t spend it on self-reflection. Will have Targets of Blame, who are intimate others or people in positions of authority. Will focus on a single Target of Blame, and try to control, remove or destroy that person. May assault their Target(s) of Blame financially, reputationally, legally, physically, etc. May engage administrative or legal procedures against their Target(s) of Blame. If you recognize this pattern in a family member, co-worker, boss or neighbor, DON’T tell them you think they are an HCP. That usually makes things much, much worse. Remember, HCPs don’t reflect on their own behavior. Instead, focus on containing them by setting limits and the other methods described in my new book. It’s for anyone. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries.
How to Deal with an Interrogator
©2017 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. I have been asked to give some suggestions for dealing with a parent who constantly interrogates the children and the spouse like this: “Where are you going (the partner/child is just getting up from chair)? What did you choose that color for (could be the color of a napkin)? Why did you make that for dinner? Why did you use that pan, pencil etc.? Why didn’t you do your homework an hour ago? Why did you go to that food store? Did you take a shower or a bath? Why did you order carrots instead of peas for dinner?” What category of personality disorder, if any, has this type of behavior? If this behavior is repeated a lot, then it is likely to be associated with a personality disorder – it’s part of their personality; their automatic way of being without even thinking about it. It’s most likely associated with Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder. Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder tend to be preoccupied with showing that they are superior to those around them – especially children and spouses/partners who may tolerate them. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder are generally preoccupied with dominating others – especially those they perceive are weaker than them or those who fear them. It is a form of bullying at least, and more likely a form of “power and control” which especially shows up in abusive family relationships. By interrogating those around them, they can control them. It is often a wearing down process, which their “targets” slowly learn to accept. For the target, it becomes easier to answer these questions than to resist. In some cases, the HCP may punish them for not cooperating, such as through violence or destruction of prized possessions or denying them normal freedoms and independence of thought in the relationship – whether as a child or as an intimate partner. The theme is superiority (narcissist) and/or dominance (antisocial). “My choices are better than yours.” “You have to rely on my judgment and deny your own.” Remember, when it comes to these types of patterns of interpersonal dysfunction: “The issue’s not the issue – the personality is the issue!” There’s nothing that the target does to cause this happening to them. It’s about the dysfunctional person’s behavior. And if you’re in a new relationship and this type of interrogation starts to occur – get out as quickly as you can. It’s not “normal” behavior and it’s not a sign of love. What causes this type of behavior? People with personality disorders have many different types of behavior, but generally a more narrow range of behavior. Their dysfunctional patterns of behavior repeat and repeat, despite negative feedback and they are generally not aware that they are doing anything unusual. Some have genetic tendencies toward aggressive and/or self-defeating behavior, while others may have learned these behaviors growing up in their families of origin, and some feel so out-of-control inside that they are driven to control everyone around them to feel better. How should a child or a spouse/partner respond? One has to be careful here. Since this is a form of power and control by someone who likely has a personality disorder, you can’t just challenge them without risk – either of violence, control of other aspects of their lives (finances, social isolation, etc.) and/or emotional abuse. The first thing I would suggest is getting education and support from outside of the family, such as with a therapist, a doctor, a lawyer, clergy or other helping professional. A parent who sees this happening to herself or himself or to their children should not try to aggressively intervene alone. They need a well-thought-out plan of intervention, which could include moving out with the children until things change, or having a family intervention with professional help. Remember, this type of behavior is often the tip of the iceberg, so people need to be prepared for the angry reaction the person may have when challenged on this behavior. If there is no history of physical abuse or other dynamics of power and control, and no concern about these, then the other parent and the children could learn to ignore the questions. For example, they could start out learning to tell themselves “This is not about me – this is inappropriate behavior and my other parent has given me permission not to answer these questions.” They could start with just telling themselves that and then, after they have sufficient support, simply ignoring the questions or say “I’m not going to answer that. Let’s talk about something else.” These are common tactics you can use with a bully, but you need support to use them in a family – especially for children of a young age. This is not legal advice nor therapeutic advice. Get consultation! Each situation is unique and this is one of the warning signs of a larger problem that usually needs professional advice and assistance. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries.