Sociopaths, also known as those with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), are some of the most dangerous and deceptive people you will ever know. Yet they also can be some of the most charming. That’s why they are often known as “con artists.” In this article I will give some of the basics of understanding sociopaths, including how they may deceive people in legal disputes.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder in Family Law Cases ©2018 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. The diagnostic manual of mental disorders (DSM-5) tells us that up to 5.9% of adults in the United States has borderline personality disorder (BPD).[1] When someone with this disorder is involved in a family law case, especially involving decisions about child custody and access, there is often a great deal of emotion, frequent professional conflict and numerous decision-making procedures that each barely resolve the conflicts (negotiation, mediation, court hearings, evaluations, counseling, etc.). It helps to understand BPD, in order to manage these cases better. What Is BPD? Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder with many of these types of symptoms: Fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, unstable self-image, impulsiveness, self-harming, wide mood swings, feeling empty, sudden and intense anger, and paranoid thoughts. However, personality disorders (there are ten in the manual) are typically not obvious at first until someone is in a close relationship or involved in a conflict. Often, in romantic relationships with someone with BPD, there is an intense and exciting romance, followed by making fast commitments, then a turn for the worse as conflicts and chaos take over both people’s lives. There is lots of blame, yelling, sometimes hitting and other forms of domestic abuse. All of this is often interspersed with periods of friendly and caring (and sexual) behavior. It can feel like a roller coaster and can be very confusing for both people. In many cases, only one person has this disorder and the other person doesn’t have this disorder (or another disorder), and is caught by surprise at the suddenly extreme behavior. In reality, the BPD sufferer has a “dual persona.” It’s all part of the same personality, but there is the public persona, which seems really great, and the private persona that may be involved in abusive verbal and/or physical behavior. Sometimes it takes up to a year to realize that a partner has this problem, because they can be very charming, exciting and loving at first. Therefore, people are encouraged to wait at least a year before making major commitments, such as getting married, having children or buying property together. Why Do People Have BPD? No one chooses to have BPD. There are three basic potential causes: Heredity: People are born with a temperament and genetic tendencies. This may be the biggest factor. They may have ancestors who were intensely adversarial in order to survive during wartimes and other adversities. Fearing abandonment may have been a very good motivator for survival, such that holding tightly onto mates and children would have been good for the family’s survival. Fierce jealousy, clinging behavior, anger at a partner’s and child’s independence may have been helpful to keep the family together through thick and thin. (In her new book, The BIG Book of Borderline Personality Disorder, Shehrina Rooney says she believes she was born with BPD, so she may have this genetic history somewhere in her background.) Early childhood trauma: The first five years of life are when personality development mostly occurs. Insecure attachments between parent and child can often be identified in the development of borderline personality disorder. A secure attachment is necessary to learn emotional self-control (self-regulation); gain a sense of confidence in oneself and trust in others; recognize differences between people and what others are feeling; learn to tolerate stress; learn give and take in relationships; and to learn how one affects other people in order to adapt and change one’s own behavior for greater social success. With an insecure or abusive parent, these essential lessons are often not learned, and unsuccessful or abusive behaviors are learned instead. Cultural influences: Our modern entertainment cultural relies heavily on images of dysfunctional relationships in movies, in TV shows, on the news, on social media, etc. These include lots of relationship manipulation, violence, impulsive acting out, yelling, throwing things, storming out of rooms, etc. It’s as if our culture is intentionally teaching borderline personality disorder behaviors. But it grabs our attention and gets us to watch, so it sells advertising and it won’t be changing anytime soon. For someone with genetic tendencies to have BPD traits, or who grew up in a very inconsistent household, these behaviors may be seen as the way to have normal relationships. (She shows her love and commitment to me by keeping track of my every move. He shows his love and protection for me by slapping me when he thinks I’m getting out of line. Isn’t this what everyone does?) Is There Treatment for BPD? Yes! Over the past thirty years, treatment methods have been developed that teach daily living and self-management skills and have been having a lot of success with people who are willing to commit to a few years of therapy. The most well-known and wide-spread method is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). There are therapists in most big cities and some smaller communities who have been trained in this skills-building approach. Whatever method is used, it’s important to have a therapist who is personally secure and can be emotionally stable in the face of the chaos and anger that those with BPD bring to therapy. Therapists trained in more standard psychodynamic therapy can be good with BPD if they are also good at staying calm and teaching some type of self-help skills. Just supportive therapy can actually make things worse, if they reinforce blaming comments, say their behavior is normal or justified, and join in focusing on the behavior of other people in their lives. Unfortunately, many therapists inexperienced at treating BPD often believe their clients and reinforce their problematic behavior, rather than helping improve it. Handling a Family Law Case involving BPD Given the dynamics of borderline personality disorder explained above, there are many mistakes that family law professionals commonly make. Here is a list of 10 Do’s and Don’ts: 1. Don’t try to give someone with BPD insight into themselves and their dysfunctional behavior. This just reinforces their defensiveness, triggers their
© 2014 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. “How do I deal with my narcissistic boss?” is the most common complaint I get about high-conflict people in the workplace. They are everywhere and seem to be increasing these days – from the lowest supervisor to the self-destructive owner of the business. They generally seek positions over others in order to help themselves feel better about themselves – because unconsciously they feel helpless and inferior. They need people below them to reassure them that they are “superior.” But it’s never enough. Narcissistic bosses want (need?) constant reminders that they are the “best,” the “brightest,” the “richest,” or anything that feels one-up to those around them. If you have such a boss, you will naturally feel miserable. It’s the human response to being treated as an inferior. The trick is to learn how to “manage” this boss until you can permanently get away from him or her. Here are some tips: 1. Understand their predictable patterns of behavior. Narcissists are self-absorbed. They lack empathy for others, are arrogant, feel entitled, and manipulate relationships to serve their own interests. At the conscious level, they truly believe they are superior to those around them, but at an unconscious level they are very insecure. They demand attention and admiration from those around them. If you directly confront a narcissistic boss, he or she will do everything possible to “put you down,” to recover from the “narcissistic injury” you have caused them by temporarily destroying their fantasy of superiority. 2.Understand that their behavior is deeply rooted. Personality traits are mostly formed in early childhood for all of us. Narcissistic personalities are often developed: (A) because of biological tendencies present before birth; (B) as a defense mechanism against child abuse or an insecure “attachment” with one or more parent figures; or (C) from being overly-empowered as a child without normal social limits or responsibilities. Therefore, you are not going to change their personality or get them to “look in the mirror” at their own behavior. Instead, you need to manage them in small ways that help you cope on a daily basis. 3. Understand their moods and behavior will swing back and forth. Narcissists can be very charming at times – usually to “win” people as friends or allies. Narcissists can be very vindictive at other times – usually as a result of a “narcissistic injury” when someone has threatened their superior self-image, either privately or publically. Both of these moods are temporary, so it’s not hopeless when he or she is being vindictive, and it’s not over when he or she is being charming again. You can often influence these moods. You just have to be careful. I know you will resent having to watch your own behavior so much, but it’s not that hard and it will make your life so much easier. 4. Try to connect with Empathy, Attention and Respect (EAR). I know this is the opposite of what you feel like doing. But this really works. Look interested when your narcissistic boss talks to you. “Butter him/her up” with an occasional compliment, asking a question (such as asking for advice on something), sharing an interesting tidbit of information, or thanks for some positive contribution. But be careful not to lie about a compliment, or put down your own skills in the conversation. Just be matter-of-fact and let the focus be on him or her for a few minutes. Don’t get defensive, because their comments are not about you. Resisting your own defensiveness can take great personal strength, but you can do it – especially if you remind yourself “It’s Not About Me” before you have a talk. It’s about the narcissistic boss’ insecurities and lack of effective social skills. 5. Analyze your realistic options. It helps to write down what has happened, to help you get perspective and take it less personally. Then write down what your options are: get a different job at a different company; get a different position at the same company; talk to someone else about strategies for dealing with this boss (human resources, ombudsperson, his or her supervisor, etc.); study your companies’ policy on bullying; etc. Knowing you have options will make you much stronger in the face of someone else’s ridiculous behavior. Just avoid direct confrontation, which is tempting when you feel stronger. You may need a positive evaluation or recommendation some day from this narcissistic boss. Instead, focus on something else, such as counting the days until you will no longer have to work for this boss. 6. Respond quickly to misinformation. Narcissistic bosses often “kiss up” to their superiors in the workplace hierarchy, to make themselves look good. This often includes putting someone else down, such as spreading belittling remarks about you or others. Without directly challenging the narcissist, you should provide the correct information as soon as possible, so that others in your company do not come to believe that these criticisms about you are true. If an email contains misinformation, respond in an email and just say something like: “In case anyone was unclear about …, here are some details which you might find helpful…” Then focus on factual information, without commenting on the distortions that may have preceded it. Your matter-of-fact tone and factual information will show that you are the more credible person. If you slip into counter-attacks you will hurt your own credibility in the long run. 7. Carefully set limits on really bad behavior. Narcissistic bosses are constantly violating other people’s boundaries, constantly insulting, and constantly demanding of attention. You are not going to change these behavior patterns, but you may be able to “contain” or stop specific behaviors for a while. First, think of the behavior that you want. Then think about whether this is a limit you could set personally (like saying: “I have to go now, in order to finish the project you asked me to do yesterday”) or need help in setting limits
