What Children Tell a Divorce Lawyer
What Children Tell a Divorce Lawyer ©2017 Shawn D. Skillin, Esq. Earlier in my career I did work for the court as Minor’s Counsel. I interviewed children and heard firsthand what they thought about their parents’ divorce. Occasionally, as a mediator I still interview children. Here’s what they tell me. They love both of their parents. They would be happier if their parents could get along and not argue about them so much. They don’t like it when their parents talk badly or say mean things about the other parent. They don’t want to have to keep the secrets of one parent from the other. They don’t want to have to carry messages back and forth between the parents. One of these kids told me how he handles the message thing, he said, “If my Mom tells me to tell my Dad something when I see my Dad, I just tell him that my Mom wants to talk to you.” Smart kid. Kids want adults to moderate their behavior and keep their own secrets. Kids like a schedule, they like predictability too. But they also want a certain amount of flexibility. They are frustrated when they perceive a parent as too rigid. They would like to swap weekends, if they get a chance to go to Disneyland or a baseball game. Kids appreciate flexible thinking* and it is important that parents give their children the flexibility to enjoy both parents without repercussions. For instance, if the children go with Dad for the weekend and go see a fun movie or go to the beach, when they get back to Mom’s they naturally want to share that information with Mom. If Mom’s reaction is disinterest or anger, the children will soon learn that having fun with Dad does not make Mom happy and will feel badly about it. They may stop sharing with Mom or may even tell her what a bad time they had with Dad just so she won’t feel bad. Try to share your child’s enthusiasm and be glad they have two parents that love them, even if you no longer care for the other parent. Kids worry about things, you might not think about. Like is there food in the house? If Mom always did the food shopping, they might worry about how Dad will eat or how they will eat at Dad’s when Mom isn’t there. The food thing has come up with every single child I have ever interviewed. Kids like to eat and they want everyone to be fed! Children also do not want to worry that any time their parents are in close proximity to each other a fight will break out. They never want you to argue in front of their friends! This causes the children anxiety and embarrassment. If you can’t spend time around each other without an argument developing, take turns attending the children’s activities and professional appointments and arrange for separate parent-teacher conferences. Let these times be relaxing and enjoyable for both you and your children. They also worry about how their parents are doing emotionally. It’s OK to cry in front of your kids, but reassure them you are going to be OK. They need to know you can take care of yourself. It’s equally important to check yourself in times of stress. It is natural to want to vent your anger, frustration and disappointment about the other parent and your relationship with them. Just do it with friends, relatives or a mental health professional when the children are not in listening distance. If you are struggling emotionally. Get support from other adults, therapists and friends, not your kids. If you are depressed, talk to your therapist or doctor. Kids can feel neglected during the divorce transition when parents are dealing with their own emotional adjustments. Don’t forget this is a transition for everyone. Children appreciate parents who manage their own emotions and can help them learn to manage theirs too. They are still learning how to do this and need your help. If you need to, get the children some counseling. Kids don’t want enemies in their parents’ relationships. In one kid interview I did, the Dad had a new girlfriend and the kids really liked her. They spoke positively and warmly about her and clearly valued their relationship with her. But they were also very aware that Mom did not like the new girlfriend and didn’t want to hear anything good about her. They wanted Mom to know they could like the girlfriend and still love their Mom. They just wanted Mom to be okay with it. Kids like adults who love them and they want to be able to have relationships without feeling guilty. Kids want your time. Ten years ago or so, parents commonly complained to me that their children spent too much time playing video games. Managing screen time was a common topic in divorce. Today the tables have turned, and kids complain to me about how much time their parents spend on their phones, iPads and tablets. So parents, schedule some device-free time when you are with your kids, believe it or not, they want to talk to you! Kids want to be kids, they want everyone to get along and they want to be free to love both of their parents without guilt. They want your attention. And, they want food. Resources New Ways for Families® is a short-term counseling and coaching method designed to help parents strengthen conflict-resolution and co-parenting skills and to protect children as their families re-organize in new ways. It is based on four core skills you can use to address your child’s expectations from divorce: Flexible Thinking: Acknowledging that there is more than one solution to most problems Managed Emotions: Controlling one’s own anger, sadness, fear, and anxiety to not over-react Moderate Behaviors: Avoiding extreme actions and language Checking Yourself: Reminding yourself to use these skills at times of stress High-Conflict Co-Parenting Class +
Thoughts on Shared Parenting Presumptions (Part 3/4)
© 2013 By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Thoughts on Shared Parenting Presumptions (Part 3/4) Research It has been said that you can find research to support any opinion, and that is particularly true in the area of parenting after divorce or separation. However, most of the research emphasizes different aspects of the same problem, so that we can benefit from looking at the research – so long as we make the effort to understand it. The following are quotes from studies reported in the Family Court Review, the journal of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), one of the most respected sources of information on parenting in divorce. Some studies support equal shared parenting schedules: Respondents [college students in one study] wanted to have spent more time with their fathers as they were growing up, and the living arrangement they believed was best was living equal time with each parent. The living arrangements they had as children gave them generally little time with their fathers. Respondents reported that their fathers wanted more time with them but that their mothers generally did not want them to spend more time with their fathers. (Fabricius and Hall, Young Adult Perspectives on Divorce, Family Court Review, October 2000.) The present findings [in another college student study] indicate that divorce leaves young people with strong feelings of “missed opportunities” and “emotional longing” for a father-child relationship – feelings that remain salient for years after the divorce has been finalized….The present results thus are consistent with calls for family law reform mandating that children spend equal amounts of time with their mothers and fathers following divorce. (Schwartz and Finley, Mothering, Fathering, and Divorce: The Influence of Divorce or Reports of and Desires for Maternal and Paternal Involvement, Family Court Review, July 2009.) Other studies oppose shared parenting mandates: Australian family law now endorses the active consideration of equal or substantively shared parenting in most cases where parents are able to share overall parental responsibility and decision-making [defined as] a division of care between parents at a rate of 35:65% or higher. [Prior to the new legislation, such an arrangement] was “relatively rare,” occurring in about 9% of the general population of divorcing families in 2003. It was a parenting arrangement that proved viable for a small and distinct group of families …electing a shared arrangement [with] the ability of parents to get along sufficiently well…. [In contrast] the literature is stronger on the poor fit between shared parenting and unremitting post-divorce conflict. Beginning two decades ago, Johnston and colleagues…identified cautions against substantively shared parenting for children whose parents’ ongoing acrimony and inability to encapsulate their conflict meant continued exposure to toxic inter-personal dynamics and the diminished responsiveness of each parent…. [After] four years children in shared care arrangements… reported sustained levels of inter-parental conflict, while children in traditional [primary parent] arrangements reported significant decline [in conflict]. Children in shared care were also significantly more likely to report feeling caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict [and] children more often wished to change [the shared arrangement]. (McIntosh, Legislating for Shared Parenting: Exploring Some Underlying Assumptions, Family Court Review, July 2009.) It helps to look at the different emphases of these studies. The first favoring more father contact was reported during the college years. It appears that these young adults grew up when fathers were generally less involved than many are today – by the agreement of both parents. From my recent mediation cases, I have observed that younger parents are much more likely to develop parenting plans with a greater role for fathers than I observed when I started my law practice in 1993. However, the majority of these plans are not equal shared parenting plans, but often 25-30% with fathers who are satisfied with these schedules. If the young adults in the first set of studies had this amount of time with their fathers and if their mothers supported their father’s relationship with them, it may be that they would have felt more satisfied. Their opinions about equal parenting time were a conjecture rather than based on experience. Their perspective may have also been based on their more recent adolescent years. The second set of studies (McIntosh reports on Johnston’s studies as well as her own), emphasize the experience of younger children living in shared parenting arrangements – and feeling distress. When I heard Jennifer McIntosh speak at the 2011 AFCC conference, I remember her examples of children about 8 years old and younger. Especially in a culture where only 9% of divorced families had a history of shared parenting, it may be these children felt frustrated because of their young age and their experiences with young peers who appeared to have the “benefit” of growing up with a “primary” parent. What this research suggests to me is that there are two very different issues involved here: 1) At what age is a primary parent preferable and at what age is shared parenting preferable? 2) Does shared parenting work if it is imposed, rather than the agreement of the parents? It appears to me, from reading this and a lot of other research, that there really are at least three distinctly separate age periods affected by children of divorce and separation, with different abilities and needs, as I described above. Equal shared parenting arrangements appear very likely to fail during the first 3 years – the most important formative years of a child’s life. While I have seen some highly cooperative couples manage this by age 4, I have also seen children of 6 and 7 struggling with equal shared schedules. A significant factor is the parenting history. Moving suddenly from a primary parent system (say, 80-20) to shared parenting system (say, 50-50), can be traumatic for a child who might otherwise handle it as a gradual transition. Likewise, from my experience and observations, I have seen many cooperative 50-50 parenting plans for children age 5-12 change to one primary house during