Protecting the Elderly in Our New World of Adult Bullies
© 2024 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
In this holiday season, there is much family joy to go around as we gather together and celebrate. However, for many people this is tempered by threats to our older family members and senior citizens in general. Health needs and shaky finances have always been common concerns, but as the aging population grows worldwide, another problem is the increase in bullying of the elderly: conning, controlling, and outright attacking them to their great disadvantage. This article addresses the nature of this increasing problem to inform people about it and to address some of what we can do about it.
First, Some Surprising Statistics
According to the United Nations, the worldwide population of people 65 and older is growing rapidly. Today, in the United States, approximately 17% are in this age group, whereas by 2050 close to 25% may be. In China and Japan, this percentage will be slightly over 30% by then. At the same time, birthrates are already decreasing in every country around the world, and future labor markets are expected to decrease.1
At the same time, the percentage of adults with high conflict personalities appears to be increasing. Their pattern of conflict behavior tends to include: 1) a preoccupation with blaming others and not taking responsibility for their own behavior; 2) a lot of all-or-nothing thinking and demands; 3) unmanaged emotions which drive their behavior; and 4) extreme behaviors, which include what 90% of people would never do. Such high conflict people (HCPs) often have Cluster B personality disorders (narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, histrionic), which tend to include domineering, vindictive, and intrusive behavior, as well as “an inability to care about the needs of others” – essentially bullying behavior – although not all people with Cluster B personality disorders are HCPs.2
A major study by the National Institutes of Health in the early 2000s found that each younger generation had more personality disorders than the older generations, suggesting that an increase in HCPs is occurring with each new generation.3 This may help explain the apparent increase in bullying behavior we are experiencing today.
Why Do Some HCPs Bully the Elderly?
The reality is that people 65 and older are generally weaker physically, perhaps mentally, and may be more isolated, living without the support of younger family members and partners in the home. On the other hand, about half of them have some savings, as well as social security and possible retirement income, all of which make them easy and desirable targets.
Each of the Cluster B personalities has a pattern of behavior that commonly lacks the normal restraints that most people have. One of the diagnostic characteristics of antisocial personalities is a “lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”4 Someone with a narcissistic personality often “lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.”5 Borderline personalities often include “inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.”6
With such patterns of behavior, HCPs allow themselves to take advantage of others, although there is a range of severity of such behavior. Some can be extremely violent, while others are purely manipulative or feel justified in taking advantage of others. Many older people are generally trusting because they grew up in a world with less high conflict behavior at the interpersonal level. In today’s world, everyone needs to be somewhat less trusting of strangers and more aware of potential risks.
How Bad Is It?
In my book Our New World of Adult Bullies, I included examples of relatively new forms of criminal attacks on the elderly. Schemes to con seniors include the “grandparent scam,” which was a nationwide scam aimed at people in their seventies and eighties, in which callers pretended to be their young adult grandchild in trouble.
“In one case, an eighty-seven-year-old woman was tricked by a young woman pretending to be her granddaughter ‘saying she needed nine thousand dollars bail money after a serious car crash.’ Then, the next day, the young woman demanded another $42,000, ‘or she would face manslaughter charges and several years in prison.’ The older woman was supposed to keep all of this secret and not discuss it with anyone.”
Eventually, eight con artists were caught and prosecuted for scamming seniors nationwide out of more than $2 million dollars for the grandparent scam. They were given prison time and required to pay restitution. The San Diego Elder Justice Task Force did the investigation and the case made national news.7
In another type of situation called “swatting,” a young man, Shane Sonderman, tried to bully a retired grandfather, Mark Herring, into giving him his unique Twitter handle (@Tennessee).
“In April 2020, a coconspirator of Sonderman (a teenager in the United Kingdom) called the police pretending to be Herring. He claimed there was a murder of a woman and a pipe bomb threat at his address. The police sent out a SWAT team and surrounded his house. They demanded that he come out with his hands visible. When Herring came out and saw all the police pointing guns at him, he suffered a massive heart attack and died.”8
For this stunt, Sonderman was given five years in prison, and his teenage accomplice was not prosecuted.
Carjacking is another crime that often targets seniors. In a recent article, a policewoman said that the ones that had the most impact on her were the elderly women. In one case, four men demanded that she give them her car. She fought back and screamed for help, then tried to run. One of the attackers tackled her and broke her foot. In another carjacking, a woman in her mid-80s was assaulted while at an ATM machine. Three teenagers grabbed her purse and her car keys. She was knocked down and hit her head on the ground. When one of the boys was arrested, they found out he was only 12 years old.9
Imposing Consequences
In all of the above cases, there was criminal behavior that sometimes led to prison sentences, as well it should have. However, in other cases, such as juveniles involved in carjackings, there is often probation or no consequence at all.
This type of criminal behavior is associated with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), which tends to persist over a lifetime with the same narrow behavior patterns that include a lack of empathy and remorse for their victims as described above – essentially, they lack a conscience. If we are truly going to protect unsuspecting seniors, those adult bullies who prey on them with such cruelty will need to be separated from society with longer sentences since they are unlikely to change.
On the other hand, appropriate sentences for juveniles combined with behavioral treatments have a chance of motivating and teaching more positive behaviors while they can still learn. In schools and communities, programs are to be encouraged that promote restorative justice in which teenagers have direct conversations with those they have victimized in low-level crimes, which often leads to greater awareness, empathy, and improved future behavior. This is much better than no consequence or probation without teaching improved behavior.
(For more on the importance of imposing appropriate consequences on bullies, see the prior newsletter article: “SLIC Solutions: Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences in 2½ steps.”)
Coercive Control
Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that may or may not have violence associated with it. This is becoming a more familiar term in understanding domestic violence and why victims often don’t leave even when they physically can. Coercive control can include control of finances, access to healthcare, contract with friends and family, and other non-violent behaviors. However, the target of this behavior will often grow more and more depressed and helpless as this behavior wears them down over time.
Here is an example of a senior being bullied, in this case by two controlling relatives. This example came in as a question from a listener to our High Conflict Institute podcast: “It’s All Your Fault: Dealing with High Conflict Personalities.”
“My 84-year-old aunt, who has a disorder that disallows her from speaking, is being abused by her daughter and granddaughter, who both live with her. The abuse is financial, physical, verbal, emotional, medical…. The daughter and granddaughter are high conflict people. They get upset if anyone questions them on anything to do with my aunt, which ends up with anger, yelling, making accusations against the rest of us in the family, lies to all medical professionals, and puts horrible and untrue things about our family on social media…. We live in a small town where it seems no one wants to touch this, so it seems that setting limits is left to us – but we don’t know how…. My mom (my aunt’s sister) is terrified of the daughter/granddaughter, so she’s been reluctant to do anything. My aunt cannot defend herself, and we don’t know how to accomplish our goal of getting my aunt to safety and dealing with the sure-to-come revenge in the aftermath. How is the CARS Method used in a case like this?”
The CARS Method®
The CARS Method is a general way to approach problems with high conflict people that we teach through High Conflict Institute, which includes Connecting with empathy, attention and respect; Analyzing options; Responding to misinformation and hostility; and Setting limits and imposing consequences. (For more on this method, see the book: It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything.) These are four possible ways of intervening, but not necessarily in this order and not necessarily all of them.
We often recommend starting the CARS method by trying to connect with the high conflict person(s) with empathy, attention and respect (EAR statements). Then, help them analyze options for improving the situation and respond to misinformation they may have with accurate information. However, in this type of case, it’s recommended that you immediately focus on setting limits and imposing consequences and skip the other approaches since having direct contact with such abusive and controlling people is unlikely to make things better and may make them worse since you have no power to stop their bullying behavior.
Instead, you will need to get assistance with setting limits in this situation with those who do have the power to protect the aunt. There may be an Elder Abuse Agency in your county or state that addresses such situations, such as the Elder Justice Task Force San Diego mentioned above with the grandparent scam example. This may be similar to agencies that exist to protect children from child abuse (Child Protective Services – CPS); the same exist in most states and many communities today. You may be able to make an anonymous report of this abusive treatment, as it is abusive and illegal to control an elder’s medical care, finances, contact with relatives and friends, etc.
If there is no such agency in your area or you feel uncomfortable going to the authorities, you could find a local lawyer who knows and handles “Elder Law” and who will keep your statements confidential as you develop a plan of action. There may be people who can help you legally separate your aunt from her abusive daughter and granddaughter. Most cities have a Bar Association with a referral list of lawyers in each area of law, including Elder Law.
Conclusion
There is a growing need for protection of senior citizens from high conflict people. HCPs tend to be aggressive and lack the usual social behavioral brakes that help people get along and empathize with each other. They often prey on vulnerable populations of people – often for their money but also for a sense of power and control over others. As individuals, older people need to recognize what situations are risky, given the realities of our new world of bullies that their elders may not have faced in the past. As family members, we need to understand the increased risks of seniors living alone these days and make efforts to help them not become isolated.
As a society, we need to become stronger at setting limits and imposing consequences that fit the more extreme personalities that prey on our older citizens today. At the same time, we need to put more resources into helping high conflict juveniles get a combination of consequences and treatment, to decrease their antisocial behavior while it can still be changed and improve their chances for a positive adult life. After all, one day they too will be seniors and vulnerable to their own children’s and grandchildren’s high conflict behavior if it is not improved when they are still young.
As with all bullies, their behavior will only be stopped when enough people recognize their patterns, stop keeping their behavior a secret, and set more limits and impose stronger consequences on their cruelty to others. We have the knowledge and the resources to make a difference. Then we can all celebrate a happier world.
Endnotes:
- Nicholas Eberstadt, “The Age of Depopulation: Surviving a World Gone Gray,” Foreign Affairs, November/December, 2024, 42-61.
- Wilson S., Stroud, C. and Durbin, C. Interpersonal Dysfunction in Personality Disorders: A Meta-Analytic Review, Psychology Bulletin, July 2017; 143(7): 677-734. doi: 10.1037/bul0000101.
- Grant, B. F., D. S. Hasin, F. S. Stinson, D. A. Dawson, S. P. Chou, W. J. Ruan, and R. P. Pickering. 2004. “Prevalence, Correlates, and Disability of Personality Disorders in the United States: Results from the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 65: 948–58.
- American Psychiatric Association (APA): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2022, 748. (Hereafter “DSM-5-TR”)
- DSM-5-TR, 760.
- DSM-5-TR, 753.
- Bill Eddy, Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them, Health Communications Inc., 2024, 145.
- Timothy Bella, “He Refused to Give Up His Coveted Twitter Handle. Then He Was ‘Swatted’ and Died of a Heart Attack,” Washington Post, July 24, 2021.
- Jamie Thompson, “Catching the Carjackers: On the Road with an Elite Police Unit as it Combats a Crime Wave,” The Atlantic, November 2024, 64-75, 71.
BILL EDDY, LCSW, Esq. is a family lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the Co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He is a family lawyer, family therapist, and family mediator. He trains professionals worldwide about high conflict personalities and situations, presenting in over 35 states and 13 countries. He is the author of twenty books and manuals, including 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life ; and Our New World of Adult Bullies. He writes a blog for PsychologyToday.com with over 6 million views. He is on the Advisory Board of the Divorce Coalition and co-host of the podcast, It’s All Your Fault! with Megan Hunter, MBA. His website is www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
His newest book is Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them, was released in June 2024, and includes several domestic violence examples.
