How to Build a Team
7 Relationship Skills for Managers and Other Leaders
© 2024 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
In today’s world, building and strengthening a team in the workplace has become one of the most important skills for managers. Employees demand more involvement in innovation and decision-making, and more opportunities for personal growth. Pressures from above and outside the organization are increasingly common. Managers can be pulled in many different directions, often preoccupied with putting out fires and managing high-conflict situations.
Yet there is also nothing more satisfying than having a strong team that you look forward to working with each day for everyone involved. Such a team can provide resilience for the manager and everyone else on the team. This is especially true today as many people look for a sense of community, identity, and purpose through their work. This goes for those in business, nonprofit organizations, social and recreational groups, religious and political organizations, and many other group settings.
Seven relationship skills that managers and other leaders at all levels can practice and teach to strengthen their teams.
1. Unifying Purpose
Having a simple and clear mission statement and referring to it regularly can help everyone on the team feel a sense of togetherness. In today’s world, we are more segmented, isolated and lonely than perhaps ever before in history. Yet the people we work with—even with remote work—can provide us with positive feedback, a sense of shared success and even joy in accomplishing certain tasks, and a future to look forward to as we work toward our collective goals. We are social beings, and nothing can replace this sense of working as a team for a greater good.
To accomplish this, managers can regularly discuss the mission of the team and how progress is being made. They can also regularly praise the team for its accomplishments, have frequent team meetings and fun team-building events. Even team T-shirts and hats can build a sense of unity, especially in today’s world where team members can look very different from each other. While some individual team members may succeed at individual tasks and be rewarded for it, it helps to remember that everyone on the team needs to feel valued and important. (The saying “public praise and private criticism” applies here.) Too much emphasis on individual success can undermine the sense of teamwork and drive unhealthy internal competition. Rewarding the whole team for meeting team goals is just as important. The main idea is to find the right balance between emphasis on the individual and the group.
Note: Skills 2-5 below are known as the CARS Method®, which High Conflict Institute has been teaching for over fifteen years as a way to manage and reduce high-conflict situations.
2. Connecting with Empathy, Attention, and Respect
Connecting with each team member is one of the greatest ways of building a strong team in which each person feels valued, which strengthens commitment to the team. It just takes a moment to give an EAR Statement™ because they are usually just a sentence or two that expresses empathy, attention, and/or respect to the other person.
A manager can accomplish this by regularly giving statements such as the following:
“I can see/hear how important this is to you.” Or: “I can understand how frustrating this is.” (These show Empathy)
“I want to understand. I’ll pay attention. Tell me more.” (Attention)
“I have a lot of respect for your work/effort/commitment on this project.” (Respect)
These are just a few examples. EAR statements can really help when someone is very upset or angry and needs help in calming down. Rather than criticizing the person and creating emotional distance, EAR statements move quickly into connecting with the person so that you can focus on problem-solving—together. (For more on this skill, see the book Calming Upset People with EAR.)
3. Analyzing Options
Solving workplace problems doesn’t have to take a lot of time. Managers often get hijacked from their plans by the many problems that employees bring to them. A good approach is to inform all employees from the start that they should always bring a proposed solution when they present a problem. This way the focus is on the solution, rather than the problem (and emotions about the problem). Getting employees to think about solutions makes a lot of sense because they usually are closer to the problems and understand them better than the manager. Rather than having the manager research the problem and try to solve it, turn it into a joint effort of the employee and the manager.
To accomplish this, the manager can say “What’s your proposed solution to this problem.” Or: “Tell me your thoughts about what we can do about this.” This values the knowledge and creativity of the team member. If it’s not realistic to ask the employee for a proposal, then the manager can still offer two or three choices for solutions to the problem and have the employee participate in choosing the best. This way the employee shares the task and responsibility of decision-making and problem-solving. (For more on this skill, see the book So, What’s Your Proposal? Shifting High Conflict People from Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds.)
4. Responding to Hostility or Misinformation
From time to time, there may be someone inside or outside the team who communicates with hostility, most likely in writing. (Hostility in person can often be calmed with an EAR statement.) While it is tempting to respond to a hostile email or text with similar words and tone, this is unhelpful and unnecessary. Instead, a response that is brief, informative, friendly, and firm (a BIFF Response®) can usually calm the hostility or correct any misinformation. This helps avoid the back-and-forth of insults which tends to grow and create polarization in teams. Managers should learn to use this easy skill and can share it with everyone on the team. (High Conflict Institute trainers frequently teach BIFF communications to whole teams and also to whole organizations.)
To accomplish the use of BIFF, managers can practice applying this skill to their own email communication, both when starting a conversation and responding to another. Brief usually means just a few sentences or a paragraph. Informative means just straight logistical information, without opinions, emotions, defenses, judgments, or criticisms. Friendly means at least being civil, such as starting a response with “Thanks for letting me know your concerns” or “I appreciate your efforts to solve this problem.” Firm means that you try to have your communication end the hostile conversation—it doesn’t mean harsh. BIFF communications are simple, but they take practice and are harder than they look at first. Team members can learn to coach each other on their BIFFs, which strengthens the whole team—especially in responding to hostile emails and texts from those who don’t know this skill. (For more on this, see the book BIFF at Work.)
5. Setting Limits
Managers need to keep the team focused on working together to accomplish the goals of the team. This means regularly making clear what the limits of behavior are. In today’s world, there are frequently new situations, and the expectations and rules can be very fuzzy. Teams can include people with very different age groups, cultures, and life experiences. People have grown up with a wide range of tolerance for extreme behaviors. The idea is to focus forward on what behavior is expected and what behavior is unacceptable. Many managers avoid addressing behavior problems, which can allow them to simmer, blow up, or cause good people to leave the organization while those with difficult personalities remain.
To accomplish setting limits, managers can simply and frequently explain or post standards of behavior. For example, with High Conflict Institute we teach a A Respectful Meeting Policy. which states that uncivil communications during meetings will receive a warning and if they continue this may cause the meeting to stop and/or the person with such behavior being removed from the meeting. This policy can be posted or reviewed at the start of a meeting, especially one that is large or involves people outside the organization.
6. Imposing Consequences
Unfortunately, in today’s world, when people with high-conflict personalities (or bullies) are involved, they tend to ignore the limits that have been set for everyone. Some see themselves as above the rules, or feel justified because of what someone else has done, or just don’t care. This can be especially difficult when some employees feel entitled to act badly because their knowledge or skills are so valuable to the organization. Many managers hesitate to lose a high performer and therefore tolerate their “sharp elbows” (as their behavior is often described in high tech companies). However, research shows that a “toxic” employee can cost an organization more than the benefit of a “star” employee and there usually are other high performers available who don’t have the sharp elbows.
To impose consequences, it’s best if managers can inform everyone of these consequences in advance when setting limits, so they don’t come as a surprise to anyone. (Sometimes the best consequence is providing coaching, especially for a valued employee who may be able to change enough of their behavior to become a more collaborative member of the team.) Knowing about the consequences in advance can help a potentially difficult employee restrain their own behavior. Managers shouldn’t assume that all employees know where the boundaries are and will stop themselves. (For more on setting limits and imposing consequences, see the book Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them.)
7. Participatory Brainstorming
Today’s employees want to participate in developing innovations and in decision-making where they work. This is one of the differences between younger generations in organizations and prior generations. Rather than viewing this as a threat to their authority (a common fear of new managers), this can be seen as another way to build and strengthen teams. One of the ways that this can occur is for managers to share problems and solicit ideas for solving them. It is common to engage in such brainstorming by having group discussions. However, this can actually discourage some of the best ideas because the loudest talkers can dominate the group discussion. If there are those with high conflict personalities on the team, this may give them a disproportionate influence over the other group members.
To accomplish more effective participatory brainstorming, managers are encouraged to solicit ideas from everyone individually at first (such as by email) prior to having any group discussion. This can include setting an agenda for a meeting, creating new names for new products, or making proposals to solve organizational problems. This way everyone can have an equal voice in generating ideas without the risk of being shut down by the loudest voice in the room. When team members feel that their voices are being heard and that their ideas are valued, it can strengthen their commitment to the team while also producing the best ideas and solutions.
Conclusion
These seven skills may seem simple on the surface, but they do take practice. Some of the time they are counter-intuitive because they are the opposite of what a manager may feel like doing. For example, giving an upset person some empathy, attention, and respect (an EAR Statement™) may feel inappropriate when one wants to publicly criticize the person for their behavior. Yet this rarely works. Instead, a confident manager can focus on helping the employee move beyond their upset emotions and into problem-solving. Likewise, criticizing someone’s hostile email communication is tempting, but a response that’s brief, informative, friendly, and firm (a BIFF Response®) can be much more effective in shifting into positive communication.
The goal of team building can often appear to be a separate and low-priority task for a manager when there are fires to put out. But, the way a manager solves all problems can include team building at the same time. By sharing problems, solutions, and the need for new ideas, a manager can engage the team in a way that strengthens it on a regular basis.
Addressing the problem of high-conflict personalities on the team or outside of the team often takes a disproportionate amount of a manager’s time. By using the skills described above, a manager can prevent some of the problems such a person may present, as well as teaching the whole team how to deal with difficult behavior (such as learning to set limits on difficult customers and team members, when necessary).
A manager and team that practices and strengthens these skills will provide satisfaction, occasional joy, and the ability to cope with setbacks together. After all, this is what everyone is looking for somewhere in their lives as social beings. We know what to do. As in all sports, it just takes practice—and a little good cheer from the team manager.
Training
High Conflict Institute provides training for managers and other leaders in our New Ways for Work®—Leaders training; and a separate training for coaches, HR and EAPs, and others in our New Ways for Work®—Coaches training.
Bill Eddy, Esq.is the Chief Innovation Officer and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute. He is the author of over twenty books and manuals about managing high-conflict situations, including the books mentioned in this article. He and the other trainers of High Conflict Institute teach the methods described above to professionals, individuals, and organizations across the United States, Canada, Australia, and several other countries. For more information see www.highconflictinstitute.com.
