Are Your Personality Awareness Skills Up to Date?
Are Your Personality Awareness Skills Up to Date? © 2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. & L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW Whether you’re choosing a friend, getting married, deciding where to work, electing a leader (such as a President) or just trying to understand someone’s behavior, it helps to have personality awareness skills. This has become especially important in modern times for several reasons. Once you have personality awareness skills, you will start noticing patterns of behavior you didn’t think about before. While most of our articles, books and videos are about how to manage people with “high conflict” personalities, this article is about how to avoid bringing new high-conflict personalities into your life. Why Is This Important Now? We live in times that are changing rapidly, in which we operate more as individuals and we need to choose who we associate with on a daily basis. Just a hundred years ago, most of the world’s people lived their whole lives in the same rural community. There wasn’t a lot of choice over who you lived with, worked with and slept with. Everyone knew each other’s business, and families and friends had lots of information and advice about who you should associate with and who to avoid. Over these hundred years, mobility has changed dramatically. Family members are spread out across a country. Companies may move from state to state or even overseas. People expect to have many jobs over their careers – and possibly several careers. About ten years ago, the world’s population shifted so that the majority now live in urban areas. You will meet hundreds of people – sometimes in a single day. Most of them have no known history to you and some have created entirely false images of themselves. Now, when you’re choosing who to invite into your life, it’s up to you! Personalities Have Patterns We all have personalities. They’re made up of how we regularly think, manage our feelings and behave. While we have some choice within our personality, we generally act like ourselves over the course of our adult lives. If you go to a high school or college reunion, people may look different but they generally keep acting like themselves. Personalities don’t change much once we’re adults, but most of us have a wide range of behavior within our personality patterns. High conflict personalities have narrower patterns of behavior. Most appear to have personality disorders or traits of personality disorders. This means that their “enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations.” (DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association, Washington DC, 2013.) This means that they repeat their dysfunctional behavior over and over again, regardless of the feedback they may get. Surprisingly, this makes their behavior more predictable than the average person. While you couldn’t convict someone based simply on their pattern of behavior, you can use this as a predictive tool for who to avoid inviting into your life. General Pattern of High Conflict Personalities All of the high conflict personalities have a pattern of aggressively escalating conflict – either prolonging it or creating surprisingly intense moments that are way out of proportion to the situation. Thus, they are “high conflict.” They may be violent or never violent. What drives this high conflict behavior is a preoccupation with blaming others – their target of blame. Related to this target of blame is a pattern of all-or-nothing thinking (it’s all your fault and not mine at all), unmanaged emotions (out-of-control yelling, crying, etc.), and extreme behavior (doing things that 90% of people would never do). Example: A new friend whispers to you that so-and-so nearby is a real jerk. “No one likes so-and-so, he’s a real loser, can’t keep a job and you should avoid him like the plague. He has absolutely no positive qualities.” A person without personality awareness skills might think that so-and-so is therefore a real jerk and to be avoided. But someone with personality awareness skills knows to consider that the new friend might actually be the person to avoid and that so-and-so is actually a nice guy. More information is needed and those with these skills know generally where to look. An Open Mind Personality awareness skills require an open mind. In the example above, one must have at least three theories of what is being said: Theory 1: What new friend says about so-and-so is true. Avoid so-and-so. New friend is okay. Theory 2: What new friend says about so-and-so shows new friend will be a problem and not so-and-so. Avoid new friend. So-and-so is okay. Theory 3: Both new friend and so-and-so have problems and both should be avoided. What to Look For How do you figure out which theory fits this situation? First, you can look for the general pattern of high conflict personalities and see if any information you have now fits either new friend or so-and-so. Since you haven’t met so-and-so, but you are getting to know new friend, a good place to start would be thinking about new friend and examining the way that he or she has just spoken to you. All-or-nothing thinking: Hmm. The statement “He has absolutely no positive qualities” is suspicious. It’s not just “no positive qualities,” it’s “absolutely no positive qualities.” Be cautious. Unmanaged emotions: Hmm. This doesn’t seem to be an issue, although it raises my concern that he or she couldn’t wait to tell you this and had to immediately whisper to you while near so-and-so. Extreme behavior: Hmm. There doesn’t seem to be anything much here, since it’s not uncommon for people to whisper to their friends in the vicinity of people they are whispering about. Blaming others: This seems to be part of the message being given: so-and-so is all bad. Five High Conflict Personality Patterns These four characteristics above are a good starting point. Then, you can look for characteristics that fit any of the five high conflict personality disorders in the DSM-5: narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid and histrionic. Of course, not everyone with one of
Personality Awareness Skills
© 2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Whether you’re choosing a friend, getting married, deciding where to work, electing a leader (such as a President) or just trying to understand someone’s behavior, it helps to have personality awareness skills. This has become especially important in modern times for several reasons. Once you have personality awareness skills, you will start noticing patterns of behavior you didn’t think about before. While most of our articles, books and videos are about how to manage people with “high conflict” personalities, this article is about how to avoid bringing new high-conflict personalities into your life. (I am working on a new book on this topic and welcome your thoughts and case examples on how you predicted or overlooked warning signs of future high-conflict behavior.) Why Is This Important Now? We live in times that are changing rapidly, in which we operate more as individuals and we need to choose who we associate with on a daily basis. Just a hundred years ago, most of the world’s people lived their whole lives in the same rural community. There wasn’t a lot of choice over who you lived with, worked with and slept with. Everyone knew each other’s business, and families and friends had lots of information and advice about who you should associate with and who to avoid. Over these hundred years, mobility has changed dramatically. Family members are spread out across a country. Companies may move from state to state or even overseas. People expect to have many jobs over their careers – and possibly several careers. About ten years ago, the world’s population shifted so that the majority now live in urban areas. You will meet hundreds of people – sometimes in a single day. Most of them have no known history to you and some have created entirely false images of themselves. Now, when you’re choosing who to invite into your life, it’s up to you! Personalities Have Patterns We all have personalities. They’re made up of how we regularly think, manage our feelings and behave. While we have some choice within our personality, we generally act like ourselves over the course of our adult lives. If you go to a high school or college reunion, people may look different but they generally keep acting like themselves. Personalities don’t change much once we’re adults, but most of us have a wide range of behavior within our personality patterns. High conflict personalities have narrower patterns of behavior. Most appear to have personality disorders or traits of personality disorders. This means that their “enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations.” (DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association, Washington DC, 2013.) This means that they repeat their dysfunctional behavior over and over again, regardless of the feedback they may get. Surprisingly, this makes their behavior more predictable than the average person. While you couldn’t convict someone based simply on their pattern of behavior, you can use this as a predictive tool for who to avoid inviting into your life. General Pattern of High Conflict Personalities All of the high conflict personalities have a pattern of aggressively escalating conflict – either prolonging it or creating surprisingly intense moments that are way out of proportion to the situation. Thus, they are “high conflict.” They may be violent or never violent. What drives this high conflict behavior is a preoccupation with blaming others – their target of blame. Related to this target of blame is a pattern of all-or-nothing thinking (it’s all your fault and not mine at all), unmanaged emotions (out-of-control yelling, crying, etc.), and extreme behavior (doing things that 90% of people would never do). Example: A new friend whispers to you that so-and-so nearby is a real jerk. “No one likes so-and-so, he’s a real loser, can’t keep a job and you should avoid him like the plague. He has absolutely no positive qualities.” A person without personality awareness skills might think that so-and-so is therefore a real jerk and to be avoided. But someone with personality awareness skills knows to consider that the new friend might actually be the person to avoid and that so-and-so is actually a nice guy. More information is needed and those with these skills know generally where to look. An Open Mind Personality awareness skills require an open mind. In the example above, one must have at least three theories of what is being said: Theory 1: What new friend says about so-and-so is true. Avoid so-and-so. New friend is okay. Theory 2: What new friend says about so-and-so shows new friend will be a problem and not so-and-so. Avoid new friend. So-and-so is okay. Theory 3: Both new friend and so-and-so have problems and both should be avoided. What to Look For How do you figure out which theory fits this situation? First, you can look for the general pattern of high-conflict personalities and see if any information you have now fits either new friend or so-and-so. Since you haven’t met so-and-so, but you are getting to know new friend, a good place to start would be thinking about new friend and examining the way that he or she has just spoken to you. All-or-nothing thinking: Hmm. The statement “He has absolutely no positive qualities” is suspicious. It’s not just “no positive qualities,” it’s “absolutely no positive qualities.” Be cautious. Unmanaged emotions: Hmm. This doesn’t seem to be an issue, although it raises my concern that he or she couldn’t wait to tell you this and had to immediately whisper to you while near so-and-so. Extreme behavior: Hmm. There doesn’t seem to be anything much here, since it’s not uncommon for people to whisper to their friends in the vicinity of people they are whispering about. Blaming others: This seems to be part of the message being given: so-and-so is all bad. Five High Conflict Personality Patterns These four characteristics above are a good starting point. Then, you can look for characteristics that fit any of the five high conflict personality disorders in the
7 Steps to Tackle Organizational “Splitting”
7 Steps to Tackle Organizational “Splitting” Why it happens. What you can do. © 2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW Organizational splitting occurs when several people in an organization split off in hostile opposition to the rest of the group. This can occur in political groups, such as the recent Brexit of Britain from the European Union (EU); in businesses (Disney, Hewlett Packard, U-Haul, etc.); in churches and other faith-based organizations; and in volunteer/nonprofit groups. We do a lot of consulting about high-conflict personalities and get a fair amount of calls from members of such organizations, such as city councils, school boards, homeowners associations, small businesses, university departments, high-tech firms and hospital administrations. The common theme is that there are one or more high-conflict people who are causing a split in the organization, which sometimes risks endangering the very existence of the organization. This article addresses some of the common issues and approaches that can be taken. Why Splitting Happens This dynamic often catches people by surprise. It is generally promoted by high-conflict people (HCPs), who lack normal conflict resolution tools, lack insight into themselves and are preoccupied with blaming others. Often they are new to the organization or new to positions of power within it. Those who have been around a long time since a dispute over long-established policies and procedures. While there are many real issues that may cause dissension in an organization’s management, what stands out in organizational splitting is the hostility toward other members and the lack of real substance underlying many of their high-conflict complaints. Recognizing High-Conflict Personalities HCPs tend to see the world in all-or-nothing terms. Within an organization, they see others in all-bad terms and themselves in all-good terms. This often has to do with narcissistic personalities, which by their nature see themselves as superior to everyone around them. If they have personality disorders or traits, this means that they cannot reflect on their own behavior and misdeeds, but instead are preoccupied with the behavior and misdeeds of others. They also tend to present themselves as heroes in a battle against villains. While there may be some real issues underlying the organizational disputes, what marks splitting is the extremes of these characteristics: All-or-nothing thinking Intense emotions, out of proportion to the issues or situation Extreme hostility toward some other group members Recruitment of negative advocates (including the media) against the others Seeing selves as extreme heroes Seeing others as “out of touch,” “the establishment,” “failed leaders”; and organizations and institutions as “broken,” “beyond repair” and other extreme terms. Why is This Occurring More Now? We live in a time of increasing social change and instability. We can travel and change communities and participate in organizations fairly easily. With modern technology, we know about different problems and different solutions much more quickly than ever before. We increasingly are operating and thinking as individuals, rather than as teams or communities. However, this has produced less stable organizations and institutions, with the constant pressure for change. With these changes, there appears to be more people with high-conflict personalities, especially narcissism, whereby they think they have the right answers to an organization’s problems—and that everyone who thinks differently is wrong. HCPs also seem to want their organizations to act more like families, and to meet more of their needs for intimacy, respect, and identity, than organizations have traditionally attempted to provide. Thus, the intensity of their drive to be in control of the organization and the intensity of their frustration when other people do not give in to their points of view. It’s more personal for them because they tend to have fewer outside relationships and supports. What You Can Do Recognize the problem early on: Since organizational splitting often catches people by surprise, it helps to regularly look for warning signs. (See list above.) Avoid becoming a Negative Advocate for a possibly high-conflict person: Resist the urge to agree with someone who says everyone else is wrong or that the organization is “broken.” It’s popular to think in these terms nowadays and it makes individuals feel more important, but it harms organizations. It’s better to keep an arms-length relationship with people who talk this way. Recognize that others are at risk of becoming the HCP’s Negative Advocates. Don’t underestimate the power of HCPs to persuade others to follow them. Unless you are aware of this dynamic, they can easily fool people and emotionally hook them into agreeing that others are “failed leaders” and that the organization is “broken.” Educate members early and often to watch out for all-or-nothing thinking, extreme terms to describe problems and extreme solutions. Also, remember it is important to respond to misinformation in a timely manner. Lack of correction will often lead to rumor, and innuendo or run the risk of being accepted as fact. Propose realistic solutions to your organization’s problems and discourage others from taking extreme positions. Express interest in problem-solving; discourage “flame-throwing” or “mud-slinging.” Have an openness and interest in other people’s points of view. Promote and maintain civility within the organization. Have organizational structures that maintain order and appropriate procedures for making proposals and making change. Have everyone included in setting meeting agendas, but also have someone in charge of maintaining order at meetings. (See article: Setting The Agenda and our other workplace articles.) Have your organization learn collaborative skills, including setting limits on extreme behavior in a respectful way. Also, have the whole organization become educated about the prevalence of HCPs and the related risks of organizational splitting. Learn the methods and strategies that assist you in managing high-conflict workplace situations. Training in the CARS Method®, for example, can provide tangible long-term benefits to your organization. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people