3 Do’s and Don’ts to Manage High-Conflict People at Work
©2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. & L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW Dealing with high conflict people (HCPs) in the workplace presents a variety of challenges. The good news is that if you suspect that you are working with an HCP (keep that thought to yourself as your private working theory), then you can improve the situation by knowing what to do and what not to do. But even if someone is not an HCP, you can use the same approach with anyone. Here are some principles from our book It’s All Your Fault at Work: The Relationship DO’S: Focus on your relationship with the person, not the outcome of a particular situation. The paradox of this approach is that if you focus on the relationship you are more likely to achieve positive outcomes. So how do you focus on the relationship? We present a method in our book we have named the CARS Method®. The C stands for Connect. You focus on the relationship by connecting with and EAR Statement™ (empathy, attention and respect). “Give them your EAR” is a simple way to remember this approach. In the fast pace of the business world with everything moving at breakneck speed you might think “I don’t have time for this – I am too busy – just get the assignment done.” We have learned from hundreds of discussions that this would be a big mistake and cost you much more time and energy in the long run. HCPs work best when they feel the stability, attention and support that is associated with connection. This does not and should not be a long process but rather a moment of clarity and reassurance that reduces chronic fear and distortions that lead HCPs to misread situations as unsafe or dangerous to them. In our book, we discuss the “Cycle of High Conflict Thinking” which we call the MAD CYCLE (based on people’s Mistaken Assessments of Danger) which explains this concept in greater detail. DON’T: Don’t ignore the relationship and think you will be better off just providing instruction or focusing on the assignment. That approach will stimulate the MAD CYCLE and delay your progress and the possibility of a successful outcome. “Feed Forward” Conversations DO’S: Provide the employee with “FEED FORWARD” conversations. HCP employees have a very difficult time receiving feedback. Unfortunately, the American workplace is designed around that approach, including the yearly employee evaluation. Nevertheless, whenever possible take the time to meet with the employee and establish goals, objectives and time frames. You will have more success in detailing what outcomes you desire BEFORE work begins, as opposed to after the fact. As part of this process, have the employee identify upcoming roadblocks or issues and brainstorm together ways to handle them. DON’T: Your tendency will be to have and desire as little contact with the HCP as possible. Don’t fall into that trap. Lack of contact and direction will only increase the odds that the HCP will receive negative feedback from you at the end of the process. This creates a no-win situation all around. Engage the HCP and connect with them. Provide feed-forward communication and remain available to assist. Our book discusses techniques in this area in greater detail. This will greatly increase the likelihood of both a successful outcome and process. Respond to Misinformation DO’S: Do respond to misinformation in the workplace as quickly as possible. We are often busy when we hear that a rumor is flying around. We shake our heads but decide we don’t have time for such nonsense. If you have HCP employees in your environment, they foster negative advocates. We describe negative advocates in our book as ordinary employees who “get hooked in” to take the side of an HCP in a dispute or issue. They are emotionally hooked but often misinformed. Remember HCPs often create “Targets of Blame” and their emotional intensity is contagious. Workplaces can become quickly destabilized when negative advocates become activated. It is important to reduce misinformation and gossip but providing clear communication that directly addresses any distortions that may be circulating. One of the easiest ways to respond to misinformation is the BIFF Response®, which is Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Brief: this means that you write or say a paragraph, regardless of how long the angry or misinformed communication is that you received. Informative: Just give straight accurate information, not criticizing the person or prior incorrect statement and not giving an opinion or emotional response – just straight information. Friendly: Give a friendly greeting and closing (“Thanks for letting me know your concerns….Have a nice weekend.) Firm: This doesn’t mean harsh. It just means that you close the conversation and don’t incite further argument. If necessary, make a request with just two choices (such as Yes or No) and give a requested response date. (See BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People) DON’T: Don’t let misinformation fester or grow. Be mindful of the intensity created by fear and distortion. Whenever possible provide clear and concise communication and address the rumors in a non-judgmental and empathic way, such as a BIFF Response. Your workplace will be the better for it. This is, of course, just a nutshell version of ways to manage a potentially high-conflict person or situation in the workplace. However, we see that these simple Do’s and Don’ts are often ignored or forgotten when dealing with HCPs who may be angry, complaining and blaming. Remind yourself daily to use these principles. They should make your life easier and earn you more respect at work. Read more in It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic, developed methods for managing high-conflict disputes, and has taught professionals in
Fire or Keep High-Conflict Employees?
©2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. & L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW For the past several years, dealing with difficult co-workers has been at the top of employee and management concerns. Yet most organizations are hesitant to fire these employees, with many of them tolerating negative behavior in hopes that they will spontaneously improve their own behavior or leave. Also, businesses often value the work that these difficult employees do – sometimes worth large sums to the company – so that they don’t want to push them away and lose their expertise. Now, a new study out of Harvard addresses the actual costs to a company of firing or keeping such employees, with surprising results. This article looks at some of the traits of “toxic” employees and our suggestion that specialized coaching may help in deciding whether they should stay or go. Who are High Conflict Employees? In our book It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People (2015), we defined high-conflict employees as having a pattern of four key traits: Preoccupation with blaming others Lots of all-or-nothing thinking Unmanaged emotions (in some cases, not all) Extreme behaviors (stealing, spreading rumors, bullying, assaults, etc.) These traits often overlap with the characteristics of people who also have traits of personality disorders (although not necessarily a full personality disorder). This means that they have: Repeated internal distress or interpersonal problems They lack self-awareness of the role they play in creating their own interpersonal problems They generally don’t change or improve their behavior, but instead defend it vigorously. Harvard Study In their new study, described in a paper they are circulating in draft form titled Toxic Workers – Working Paper No. 16-057 (Harvard Business School, 2015 – available from the authors), authors Michael Houseman and Dylan Minor describe “toxic” behavior specifically as follows: “a toxic worker is defined as a worker that engages in behavior that is harmful to an organization, including either its property or people.” This ranges from low employee morale, to losses of billions of dollars, to large legal fees, to loss of life. They studied over 50,000 employees in organizations with an approximately 5% termination rate for toxic employees. They concluded that it saves a company approximately $5300 to hire a superstar employee, but saves a company approximately $12,500 to avoid a toxic employee – either by firing them, not hiring them in the first place or by “converting them to an average employee.” They found that the following factors were helpful in identifying toxic workers. We briefly describe some of their conclusions below, with our comments and related suggestions for managers and organizations. High Self-Regard The researchers looked at the extent to which employees showed concern or empathy for other employees in comparison to themselves. They found that those with high self-regard had less concern for their colleagues’ needs and less concern for company property. They observed that toxic employees are often those who “do not fully internalize the cost that their behavior imposes on others.” Therefore, they were more likely to be terminated. Our comment: An inflated self-regard and lack of empathy are two of the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. These traits cause one to devalue the team, community or group that help to achieve the goals the narcissist is so proud of. Narcissists also show more willingness to insult or demean their co-workers and managers – and to work less hard than others but to claim more credit than they deserve. Thus, these traits seem helpful to recognize as early in the process as possible. However, narcissists can be very charming and impressive until you really get to know them (in a challenging situation, deadline or mutual project), so that they are often easily hired by managers who don’t realize what their work responses will really be on the job. Yet looking for this trait often helps in the hiring process, when weeding out applicants who give hints of being arrogant or self-involved. Over-Confidence Compared to average employees, the researchers found that toxic employees overrated their skills. They were given a computer skills exercise and told to rate their proficiency – and they consistently over-rated themselves compared to their actual scores. One result of this trait was that these over-confident employees were more likely to engage in misconduct – perhaps because they were confident that they could get away with it. Overall, they found that overconfidence also indicated a higher likelihood that the person would eventually be fired. Our comment: While this characteristic fits those with narcissistic personalities, it also applies to those with some traits of antisocial personality disorder. These individuals (also known as sociopaths) are some of the most commonly involved in workplace misconduct. Those with antisocial personalities are generally comfortable lying, stealing, spreading rumors and hurting others to accomplish their own goals. A strong characteristic is a lack of conscience. (Think of Bernie Madoff.) This is often difficult to identify in the hiring process, but it helps to have a healthy skepticism and seek verification for information the applicant may provide – especially tales of being treated poorly by others while their own behavior was without blemish. Statements about Following Rules One of the most surprising, counter-intuitive aspects of this study was the finding that employees who reported a strict belief that one should always follow the rules was actually a trait of employees who eventually were let go. The reason for this appears to be that the average employee reports that there are times when one shouldn’t follow rules and is honest about that in their applications. The toxic employees were the ones who appeared to say whatever it would take to get the job, including that one should always follow the rules. Our comment: This is another type of question, which raises the possibility of narcissistic and/or antisocial personalities. Since they frequently and comfortably exaggerate or lie, they may be the ones most likely to say whatever it takes to get a job. Beware. However, one should be cautious about making major
6 Ways You Should Be Assertive in Family Court
© 2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq Family court presents a difficult dilemma for reasonable people. If you act reasonably and use the cooperative problem-solving skills you use in daily life, you risk losing your case, your kids and your property because family court is a highly adversarial process that rewards combative thinking and behavior. This is why people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits are often attracted to court and often win.If the target takes a passive approach—and many do—then the blamer’s allegations appear unchallenged and therefore true. Person A allowed this to happen at her hearing, when she did not have an attorney and did not respond in her own defense to Person B’s allegations. If you allow this to happen, it gets harder and harder to overcome the appearance that you accept the allegations as true. Remember, the burden is on you (and your attorney) to assert your position. The court won’t otherwise try to figure it out, and rarely asks you questions, such as whether or not you agree. You or your attorney must convey assertively that you do not agree; otherwise the judge may assume that each of the blamer’s statements is true. But if your approach is too aggressive, you may give the appearance of being the abusive person you say you’re not. Husband’s urge to have his attorney make a lot of unsupported allegations against Wife at the next hearing will generally backfire. While TV and movies are filled with dramatic and aggressive attorneys, this often backfires in real courts, especially in the long run. Ultimately, most court cases are won or lost based on the evidence gathered through assertive homework. In reality, in family court, the burden is on you to raise credible reports of abuse you or your children have experienced, or to respond to false abuse allegations against you. You and your attorney must be very assertive about gathering evidence that already exists, presenting that evidence to the court, and noticing new evidence as it occurs throughout your case. The Assertive Approach 1. Start documenting right away. High conflict divorces often start with an emergency court hearing about true or false allegations of abusive behavior. If you or the person with BP or NP traits is seeking court orders (often restraining or “protective” orders), it is critical that you put together detailed, accurate information to present to the court. In a notebook, record detailed information about parenting behavior (yours and the other parent’s), abusive behaviors, threatening statements made, and explanations of any confrontations between the two of you. Many people keep a daily diary (in a safe place), even before they separate. Focus on actual statements and behaviors, and avoid opinions and interpretations. If and when you need to describe events in court, you want to be seen as capable of presenting very objective, factual information that’s most helpful to the judge and other professionals. Information that is written down the same day as it happens is considered far more credible than something written a week or a month later. 2. Think strategically, not reactively. Avoid acting out of frustration and anger; otherwise you may do things that waste energy and will hurt you in the long term. Example: Thomas was so upset after a hearing in which supervised visitation was ordered for him that he sent Tammy an e-mail saying that she should be ashamed of herself, and that their daughter would never forgive her for lying and saying he abused her. At the next hearing, this spontaneous and reactive e-mail showed up as an exhibit to Tammy’s declaration, intended to show that Thomas was aggressive, angry, and unstable. Thomas’s lawyer convinced him to never send an angry e-mail again without showing it to him first. 3. Check with a therapist or attorney whenever you feel like communicating angrily with your partner. You are better off processing your frustrations in therapy than putting something angry in writing or in a voice mail that could inadvertently become a new court document. Advise your friends and relatives to avoid such angry statements to your partner for the same reason. Invest time in learning the BIFF Response® method of effectively communicating; especially when your emails and texts are likely to be filed in court. 4. Choose your battles. Many people who are divorcing someone with BP or NP traits complain about how unfair the court process is and how unfair it is that the blamer gets away with certain things. Of course, this is upsetting, but your case actions must be based on what you need to do to make it right, not what you feel upset about. You must think strategically and choose your battles. Talk to your attorney about which issues need a response and which ones you can ignore. Attorney letters sent back and forth can be very provocative but don’t always need a response, especially if they are not in the court record. “Your client is always late with support payments and doesn’t seem to care if the children ever eat again”—this letter may or may not need a response at all. It is a choice. If there was a problem and the payment was a day or two late, it may help to provide an explanation to the blamer’s attorney, just in case this letter shows up as an exhibit to a declaration at the next hearing. You should always respond to court declarations containing false statements. A general denial may be sufficient, but false information at court needs a written correction, just to protect you now and in the future. 5. Don’t make yourself into a target. When you’re in a family court battle, you need to be as perfect as possible. Stop and think as often as you can. Remember, you’re being watched by your partner and your partner’s attorney. Any of your public actions and some of your private actions may be exposed and twisted around to fit their adversarial purposes. Innocent discussions with your partner, or