Civility and the Surge Protector
“Maybe we don’t need relationships anymore. Maybe we can say and do anything we want with other people – in other words incivility has no cost and is easier than putting a surge protector on ourselves.”
What Children Tell a Divorce Lawyer
What Children Tell a Divorce Lawyer ©2017 Shawn D. Skillin, Esq. Earlier in my career I did work for the court as Minor’s Counsel. I interviewed children and heard firsthand what they thought about their parents’ divorce. Occasionally, as a mediator I still interview children. Here’s what they tell me. They love both of their parents. They would be happier if their parents could get along and not argue about them so much. They don’t like it when their parents talk badly or say mean things about the other parent. They don’t want to have to keep the secrets of one parent from the other. They don’t want to have to carry messages back and forth between the parents. One of these kids told me how he handles the message thing, he said, “If my Mom tells me to tell my Dad something when I see my Dad, I just tell him that my Mom wants to talk to you.” Smart kid. Kids want adults to moderate their behavior and keep their own secrets. Kids like a schedule, they like predictability too. But they also want a certain amount of flexibility. They are frustrated when they perceive a parent as too rigid. They would like to swap weekends, if they get a chance to go to Disneyland or a baseball game. Kids appreciate flexible thinking* and it is important that parents give their children the flexibility to enjoy both parents without repercussions. For instance, if the children go with Dad for the weekend and go see a fun movie or go to the beach, when they get back to Mom’s they naturally want to share that information with Mom. If Mom’s reaction is disinterest or anger, the children will soon learn that having fun with Dad does not make Mom happy and will feel badly about it. They may stop sharing with Mom or may even tell her what a bad time they had with Dad just so she won’t feel bad. Try to share your child’s enthusiasm and be glad they have two parents that love them, even if you no longer care for the other parent. Kids worry about things, you might not think about. Like is there food in the house? If Mom always did the food shopping, they might worry about how Dad will eat or how they will eat at Dad’s when Mom isn’t there. The food thing has come up with every single child I have ever interviewed. Kids like to eat and they want everyone to be fed! Children also do not want to worry that any time their parents are in close proximity to each other a fight will break out. They never want you to argue in front of their friends! This causes the children anxiety and embarrassment. If you can’t spend time around each other without an argument developing, take turns attending the children’s activities and professional appointments and arrange for separate parent-teacher conferences. Let these times be relaxing and enjoyable for both you and your children. They also worry about how their parents are doing emotionally. It’s OK to cry in front of your kids, but reassure them you are going to be OK. They need to know you can take care of yourself. It’s equally important to check yourself in times of stress. It is natural to want to vent your anger, frustration and disappointment about the other parent and your relationship with them. Just do it with friends, relatives or a mental health professional when the children are not in listening distance. If you are struggling emotionally. Get support from other adults, therapists and friends, not your kids. If you are depressed, talk to your therapist or doctor. Kids can feel neglected during the divorce transition when parents are dealing with their own emotional adjustments. Don’t forget this is a transition for everyone. Children appreciate parents who manage their own emotions and can help them learn to manage theirs too. They are still learning how to do this and need your help. If you need to, get the children some counseling. Kids don’t want enemies in their parents’ relationships. In one kid interview I did, the Dad had a new girlfriend and the kids really liked her. They spoke positively and warmly about her and clearly valued their relationship with her. But they were also very aware that Mom did not like the new girlfriend and didn’t want to hear anything good about her. They wanted Mom to know they could like the girlfriend and still love their Mom. They just wanted Mom to be okay with it. Kids like adults who love them and they want to be able to have relationships without feeling guilty. Kids want your time. Ten years ago or so, parents commonly complained to me that their children spent too much time playing video games. Managing screen time was a common topic in divorce. Today the tables have turned, and kids complain to me about how much time their parents spend on their phones, iPads and tablets. So parents, schedule some device-free time when you are with your kids, believe it or not, they want to talk to you! Kids want to be kids, they want everyone to get along and they want to be free to love both of their parents without guilt. They want your attention. And, they want food. Resources New Ways for Families® is a short-term counseling and coaching method designed to help parents strengthen conflict-resolution and co-parenting skills and to protect children as their families re-organize in new ways. It is based on four core skills you can use to address your child’s expectations from divorce: Flexible Thinking: Acknowledging that there is more than one solution to most problems Managed Emotions: Controlling one’s own anger, sadness, fear, and anxiety to not over-react Moderate Behaviors: Avoiding extreme actions and language Checking Yourself: Reminding yourself to use these skills at times of stress High-Conflict Co-Parenting Class +
Should Workplace Conflicts use Mediation?
©2017 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and L. Georgi DiStefano, LCSW Mediators are being increasingly asked to help resolve workplace conflicts in a peaceful, non-litigated manner. However, at the same time, concerns in the workplace about bullying and unequal relationships have seemed to discourage face-to-face mediation. Can these two trends be reconciled? It’s important to address these issues. Many workplace conflicts escalate into major disputes, involving organizational time, money and emotional energy. Some of them turn into legal disputes or administrative decision-making. There may be claims of sexual harassment or bullying (where laws have already been approved to discourage this behavior). Some of these require investigations which often leave the organization unclear as to what actually occurred, or major splits occur within a department or division during and after the investigation is completed. First: Workplace Coaching (with EAPs or others) The approach that we recommend is to start with coaching. If possible, start with coaching before any formal action or disciplinary action has been taken. This gives the opportunity to focus on the future, which is one of our strongest recommendations overall. We have developed a structured coaching method called New Ways for Work: Personal Skills for Productive Relationships. It’s designed to teach basic conflict resolution tools that are increasingly lacking in today’s blame-filled world. This coaching method can be done in three sessions, by an EAP, a management coach or an outside therapist or coach. The focus of the coaching is four essential skills: flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior and checking yourself. Each of these skills are included in a New Ways Workbook which includes several simple tools and practice exercises. The simplicity of this method and the positive emphasis on future problem-solving helps make it an appealing process and we have had many people say they appreciate these skills for all areas of their lives. By learning self-management skills in a coaching setting, many of the problem behaviors may be reduced or eliminated. There is no need for defensiveness, so employees or managers are more open to learning. And its short term, so that people don’t feel burdened or punished, which can block helpful learning. One or more parties to a dispute can be expected (required?) to learn these skills. Second: Determine if There is Progress After one or more parties to a dispute have gone through this coaching, someone can assess how seriously it has been taken. This could be a manager, H.R. or an outside consultant or mediator. Each individual can state what he or she is working on regarding their own self-management skills. “I’m working on using more flexible thinking, so that I can see more solutions to problems that may come up.” Or: “I’m working on managing my emotions better during a disagreement.” These types of statements indicate that progress can be made if the parties in conflict could sit down together. You don’t want to have another bullying session. Instead, if those in the dispute can talk and listen to each other, while openly taking responsibility for his or her own behavior management, then they may be able to move forward and resolve or reduce the workplace conflicts. Of course, readiness for mediation should be determined after some coaching sessions have occurred. This is a common mistake: asking two people in conflict to sit down and talk it out without learning any tools for doing that first. The emphasis has to be on learning skills, which can then be used to solve problems. Third: Mediation Once it has been determined that a mediation is going to occur, the parties to the conflict can be told to bring questions and proposals to the mediation. These are skills that they can learn in New Ways for Work, which can be used to make the mediation more productive. When conflicts are particularly tense, this approach can help all parties stay focused on what to do in the future, based on their proposals. When people come in cold to a mediation, there is a high risk of it turning into blaming each other. So we keep the focus on the future and on proposals and what to do going forward. This future-focused, proposal-focused approach has kept many conflicts from suddenly flaring up again. No one has to be defensive, because the future hasn’t happened yet. Another aspect of successful mediation of workplace disputes is to minimize or eliminate storytelling—talking about how awful the other person has been in the past. This tends to plunge the parties back into the dispute, and tempers can easily flare up. It will be important to use a mediator who can keep this structure and discourage focusing on the past too much. Ideally, the mediator will be familiar with the skills taught in the New Ways for Work coaching, so that they can be reinforced and used to help resolve the issues. Conclusion This is a brief look at how workplace mediation can be structured for success. Rather than ignoring a conflict or spontaneously firing one or both people, this approach can be used to contain the conflict and teach some skills at the same time. This gives people a chance to act responsibly, which is essential if they are going to continue their working relationship. With the coaching, they will also learn new skills to help them in other future disputes. With the mediation, they can hopefully salvage the positive in their relationship while minimizing the negative. Too quickly these days, we are afraid to take the time to learn the skills to then resolve disputes. This approach provides one way of doing that. Read more about workplace conflict and mediation in these books: It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People; and Mediating High Conflict Disputes BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing