10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict Mediation
©2017 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. I’ve been doing mediation for over thirty years, primarily in family cases, but also some in business, personal injury, neighbor and workplace disputes. Over the past ten years, I’ve been working on how to adapt the mediation process for one or more high-conflict participants. It has slowly dawned on me that much of what helps is to do the opposite of what I was doing before. Most of what I have learned came from the failure of more traditional approaches that work with most people. In this article, I want to briefly point out ten paradigm shifts that seem to bring more success, when there are one or more high-conflict people involved. I am not saying this is what you should do in mediation with the 80%-90% of people who are not high-conflict. But you can use these methods with anyone. You can also use these methods whether you are mediating with the parties in the same room together, or in separate rooms or online dispute resolution. With ongoing relationship disputes, such as family, neighbor and workplace, I prefer to have both parties together in the room to help them strengthen their negotiation skills together and to see each other as ordinary human beings. However, with high-conflict people it may be necessary to have private caucuses for part of the time. 1. Focus on the future; strongly limit discussions of the past Many mediations involve a thorough discussion of what each side’s point of view is and what has happened in the past. Yet with high-conflict people, their discussions of the past lead immediately to overwhelming emotions, angry exchanges and general frustration. Trying to get the “facts” of the case straight is just not possible in these cases. So it helps to really, really emphasize from the start: “We will be talking mostly about the future and very little about the past.” The more high-conflict the case, the more strict the mediator needs to be about this, I have found. However, by saying “very little” about the past, it gives you room to allow brief discussions of the past. Then, if/when it goes off track, you can remind them we’re focusing on the future. 2. Forget about insight and making them better people It’s very common in mediation to want to lead the parties to have insight and increased self-awareness about their dynamics in a dispute. With my background as a social worker before becoming a family lawyer, I originally wanted to transform my clients into better people from having worked with me. I have since learned to forgetaboudit! High-conflict people are not going to have insights about their past behavior and why they should do things differently in the future. They are just too defensive. Just like focusing on the future instead of the past, they are more successful if they focus outward, rather than inward. Mediator efforts to get them to change tends to make them feel like you think there is something wrong with them as they are. This puts unnecessary stress on your working relationship and often makes things worse. 3. Focus the whole mediation on their proposals Tell them from the start that the mediation process will focus on their proposals—their suggestions for agreements going forward. I like to say: “Proposals are the building blocks of agreement. They often aren’t the final agreements, but they bring us closer to the final agreements.” So helping them gather information, ask questions, and make lots of proposals along the way will help them reach agreements. I teach them a 3-step proposal process: A. The first party makes a proposal involving Who will do What, Where, and When. B. Then the second party asks Who, What, Where, and When questions about it. C. Then the second responds with “Yes.” “No.” Or, “I’ll think about it.” 4. Ask for their “thoughts & questions,” not opening statements Most mediators start off the mediation with an opportunity for each party to have uninterrupted time to share their view of the case—their “opening statement.” However, this tends to focus everyone on the past, which we’re trying to avoid. So instead, you can ask for their “thoughts and questions about the decisions you want to make.” Then, give them each a turn to talk about that. This gives them an opportunity to be heard and to get the mediator’s full attention and respect, while steering clear of the minefields of the past. However, this doesn’t need to be very long. The goal is to feel heard about something, rather than to solve anything at this point. You want to avoid the long-winded, angry, blaming story of what each high-conflict person feels about the other person. That will set back the process and perhaps bring it to a halt. For more detail on this approach, see article: “When Storytelling Hurts Dispute Resolution.” 5. Instead of your probing questions, educate about options Mediators often ask a lot of probing questions, especially in the early stages of the mediation. With ordinary people, this often helps get at the heart of the matter and opens up helpful discussions, especially for those in ongoing relationships. However, with high-conflict people this tends to make them sit back and just wait to be asked questions and to give answers. This also tends to pull the discussion back into the past where things can get stuck or blow up. It further runs the risk of sounding like the mediator has taken a position challenging the person they are asking questions. High-conflict people become easily defensive and/or blaming when they are asked questions. Instead, I have found that it helps to teach them about options when I feel like asking probing questions. Since high-conflict people often don’t know about or think about alternative solutions, it helps to just tell them what is possible and what other people have done in similar circumstances. This takes any value judgments out of the picture. This works better than trying to lead them to deeper awareness through probing questions, or
You Know You’re Taking It Personally When…
©2009 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. When you are involved with a High Conflict Person (HCP) whether personally or professionally, you have experienced how easy it is to get “hooked” into the conflict and how difficult it is to not take it personally. You can recognize the signs of taking it personally and learn how to manage your own emotions and work on solving the problem. You know you’re taking it personally when… You feel you have to defend yourself. You feel emotionally hooked with fear or anger. You feel the natural “fight, flight, or freeze” responses. You start thinking It’s All Your Fault! about the other person. You think there’s only one way to deal with this problem and you have no choice. You feel you have to prove something to the other person or to other people. You feel the other person is knowingly taking advantage of you. You feel the other person is knowingly getting away with something. With this list, I’m not saying that HCP’s actions are okay and you should just ignore them. In a future article I’ll discuss other methods of dealing with the HCP’s misinformation and misbehavior. For purposes of this article, I’m just saying you’ll become emotionally hooked and much less effective in dealing with an HCP if you get stuck thinking or feeling these things. The goal is to solve the problem. HCP’s avoid solving problems by becoming preoccupied with blame. If you take it personally and respond in a similar manner, you’ll prolong the dispute, increase the frustration you experience, and possibly appear as though you’re an HCP (or the only HCP) to other people who become involved in the case. Remind yourself that it’s unconscious. This high-conflict behavior isn’t a conscious process for the HCP. He or she is not “knowingly” taking advantage of you. His or her actions are driven by unconscious personality patterns. This doesn’t mean that everything they do is unconscious. Most HCP’s I’ve handled have lied about something and knowingly engaged in behavior that’s improper. But they’re driven to do these “bad” things for unconscious reasons. There’s always been a Target of Blame. Before you and after you, the HCP will have treated somebody else the same way—because it’s about the HCP’s personality pattern of blame, not about you. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider changing your own behavior, re-examining your own values, or making different decisions. You should always be considering ways to change and improve your life. It just means the cause of the emotionally intense and negative feedback from an HCP is his or her personality. Maintain your own mental and physical health. You’re much less likely to be triggered by an HCP when you’re feeling good. You don’t take on as much blame and it’s easy to see that it’s not all anyone’s fault. On the other hand, when we get run down we’re more likely to lash out at others and easily allow ourselves to get emotionally hooked. This part is our own responsibility—our own part of the problem. And we must be continually aware of this. Getting exercise and enough sleep are good practices. Get support and consultation. Checking out our responses with trusted friends or a therapist is essential when responding to a High Conflict Person. We often aren’t conscious of when we’re being defensive. Friends and therapists can be very helpful in seeing what you can’t see. They can suggest positive responses you might not be able to think of under stress. Learn our BIFF Response® method for replying (or not) to hostile texts and emails and get BIFF Response® coaching, if you need more help. Don’t engage in a personal battle. If you’re already engaged in a personal battle, then disengage now. At any time, you can let go of taking it personally. Remember, HCP’s are more comfortable making it simple and personal. It doesn’t mean they’re happy doing this; it’s just that it’s familiar to them. They feel safer being engaged in a conflict that’s personal. So, you’ll naturally feel like responding personally. Once you realize you’re about to respond personally, tell yourself: Don’t engage! If you have already started responding in a personal, defensive manner, you can still tell yourself: Disengage! This part is up to you. Remember: Don’t take it personally. You don’t have to defend yourself. It’s not about YOU! BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries.
A Respectful Meeting Policy
©2017 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. and L. Georgi DiStefano As high conflict personalities appear to be increasing in society and the workplace, we are hearing more reports of disrespectful behavior during business meetings these days. Sad to say that this even is a topic that needs to be addressed. But since much of today’s work goes on in meetings, we’d like to present some strategies we are developing that anyone can use who is faced with this issue. Disrespectful Behavior Disrespectful meeting behavior can include: constantly interrupting the meeting chairperson or other participants, opposing the pre-planned agenda, inviting inappropriate people to the meeting, coming late and disrupting the progress of the meeting, taking calls in front of others, unnecessarily surfing the Internet, disparaging remarks or disregard for women or younger employees or older employees, yelling, dramatically walking out, throwing paper, and so forth. It is especially difficult when the disruptive person(s) has needed information but is behaving in this manner. Some people are oblivious to their impact on the group discussion, while others enjoy the power they have to be disruptive because they have needed information and see themselves as superior to the group. Regardless of the motivations, here are five suggestions: 1. Post a Policy Whether a policy is posted on the wall of a meeting room, or on small cards on a table, it can help set the tone for a meeting, especially if there are outsiders who don’t know how meetings are run at a particular office. It shows the organization’s support for respectful meetings from the top on down. This can be similar to No Smoking signs or other common warnings. The policy could say something like this: Respectful Meeting Policy: At A____ Company, much of our work is accomplished at meetings. In order to ensure the smooth, respectful and efficient management of meetings, the meeting chair shall manage the Agenda and the right of members to speak. On rare occasions, a meeting member may become disrespectful in communicating their information and opinions. In such a case, the meeting chair shall ask the meeting member to revise their manner of speech to be respectful. In the event that the meeting member does not thereafter speak respectfully, the chair may announce a short break or end the meeting, in the meeting chair’s discretion. Other meeting members shall support the chair in making such decisions. With such a policy announcement somewhere, a meeting chairperson can refer to it in the event that someone becomes disruptive or disrespectful. It will also strengthen the other group members to support the chairperson in enforcing this policy. Furthermore, it shows that the organization values the input of everyone and will not tolerate individuals who attempt to hijack the agenda or the running of a meeting. 2. Immediate Intervention by Meeting Chair When such disruptions or disparaging remarks occur, many meeting chairs are caught off-guard, and they stop and just listen to the disruptive person. It can be quite jarring when someone suddenly goes in the opposite direction of the meeting. In such cases, the meeting chair is encouraged to immediately assert their role as chair of the meeting and interrupt the disruptive person. They can say something like: “We appreciate your interest in expressing your point of view. However, this is not the right time [or right manner] for you to do so. Please hold off for now [or speak in a calmer tone], so that we can stay focused on our Agenda. Now, we were discussing…” And then the meeting chair should change eye contact to the others in the room. By quickly doing this, the disruptive person does not gain traction or attention for being disruptive. This is especially important in volunteer organizations, nonprofits and other groups where everyone else is trying to be nice. Unfortunately, when dealing with a high conflict person, you have to be immediate and assertive, otherwise, they will hijack the meeting. If the individual is continually disruptive, the chair of the meeting should meet privately with the individual to reinforce the meeting policies and procedures. The supervisor should be involved in the process in order to be in compliance with the company’s progressive discipline process. 3. Other Participants Support the Meeting Chairperson One of the common characteristics of high-conflict people is that they are always recruiting negative advocates. So it is not unusual that a meeting disrupter to turn to other meeting members for support in challenging the agenda and taking over the meeting. Or making a disparaging remark and then turning to other meeting members to try to get a laugh out of them. Generally, when meeting participants realize this dynamic, they will just avoid paying attention to the disrupter, so that the meeting chair can maintain control of the meeting. Another way that participants can be helpful is to gently admonish the person making disparaging remarks or being otherwise disruptive, by saying something like: “That’s enough, Joe.” And then turning their attention back to the meeting chair. It isn’t necessary to stop everything to give a long speech about how inappropriate someone else is being. This can be done very quickly, with a minimum of effort. In some cases, the whole group can just stay focused on the meeting chair and not give the disruptive person any attention at all. Since the goal of most high-conflict people is to get attention, this will either slow them down or they will leave. 4. Establish the Agenda in Advance One of the easiest ways to get group support for the meeting is to give people an opportunity to contribute to the Agenda in advance of the meeting. Then, the final meeting Agenda can be posted or distributed before the meeting occurs. Then, it is very difficult for a meeting disrupter to hijack the Agenda. Often they want to throw out the Agenda and replace it with their seemingly much more urgent issue. Or they sometimes say that the presumptions underlying today’s Agenda