Calming Upset People with EAR
© 2011 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD Everyone gets upset some of the time. High conflict people get upset a lot of the time. A simple technique called an EAR Statement™ can help you calm others down. This is especially helpful if you are in a close relationship or a position of authority. High conflict people tend to emotionally attack those closest to them and those in authority, especially when they are frustrated and can’t manage their own emotions. The intensity of their uncontrolled emotions can really catch you off-guard. But if you practice making E.A.R. statements you can connect with upset people and usually help them calm down. EAR Statements EAR stands for Empathy, Attention and Respect. It is the opposite of what you feel like giving someone when he or she is upset and verbally attacking YOU! Yet you will be amazed at how effective this is when you do it right. An E.A.R. Statement connects with the person’s experience, with their feelings. For example, let’s say that someone verbally attacks you for not returning a phone call as quickly as he or she would have liked. “You don’t respect me! You don’t care how long I have to wait to deal with this problem! You’re not doing your job!” Rather than defending yourself, give the person an EAR Statement such as: “Wow, I can hear how upset you are. Tell me what’s going on. I share your concerns about this problem and respect your efforts to solve it.” This statement included: EMPATHY: “I can hear how upset you are.” ATTENTION: “Tell me what’s going on.” RESPECT: “I respect your efforts.” The Importance of Empathy Empathy is different from sympathy. Having empathy for someone means that you can feel the pain and frustration that they are feeling, and probably have felt similar feelings in your own life. These are normal human emotions and they are normally triggered in people close by because emotions are contagious. When you show empathy for another person, you are treating them as a peer who you are concerned about and can relate to as an equal in distress. Sympathy is when you see someone else in a bad situation that you are not in. You may feel sorry for them and have sympathy or pity for them, but it is often a one-up and one-down situation. There is more of a separation between those who give sympathy and those who receive it. But you don’t even have to use the word “empathy” to make a statement that shows empathy. Here are some examples: “I can see how important this is to you.” “I understand this can be frustrating.” “I know this process can be confusing.” “I’m sorry to see that you’re in this situation.” “I’d like to help you if I can.” “Let’s see if we can solve this together.” The Importance of Attention Getting attention is one of the most important concerns of high conflict people. They often feel ignored or disrespected and get into conflicts as a way of getting attention from those around them. Many have a lifetime history of alienating the people around them, so they look to others – professionals, friends and new acquaintances – to give them attention. Yet they rarely feel satisfied and keep trying to get more attention. If you show that you are willing to pay full attention for a little while, they often calm down. There are many ways to let a person know that you will pay attention. For example, you can say: “I will listen as carefully as I can.” “I will pay attention to your concerns.” “Tell me what’s going on.” “Tell me more!” You can also show attention non-verbally, such as: Have good “eye contact” (keeping your eyes focused on the person) Nod your head up and down to show that you are attentive to their concerns Lean in to pay closer attention Put your hand near them, such as on the table beside them (Be careful about directly touching an upset HCP – it may be misinterpreted as a threat, a come-on, or a put-down) The Importance of Respect Anyone in distress, and especially HCPs, need respect from others. Even the most difficult and upset person usually has some quality that you can respect. By recognizing that quality, you can calm a person who is desperate to be respected. Many high conflict people are used to being disrespected and being independent and “not needing others.” This characteristic often leads them into conflict with those around them, who don’t wish to see them as superior and are tempted to try to put them down. This just makes the HCP even more upset. Here are several statements showing respect: “I can see that you are a hard worker.” “I respect your commitment to solving this problem.” “I respect your efforts on this.” “I respect your success at accomplishing.” “You have important skills that we need here.” Why E.A.R. is so Important Upset people, especially high conflict people, may not be getting empathy, attention and respect anywhere else. They have usually alienated most of the people around them. It is the last thing that anyone wants to give them. They are used to being rejected, abandoned, insulted, ignored, and disrespected by those around them. They are starving for empathy, attention and respect. They are looking for it anywhere they can get it. So just give it to them. It’s free and you don’t sacrifice anything. You can still set limits, give bad news, and keep a social or professional distance. It just means that you can connect with them around solving a particular problem and treat them like an equal human being, whether you agree or strongly disagree with their part in the problem. Many HCPs also have a hard time managing their own emotions. Since brain researchers have learned that we “mirror” each other’s emotional expressions, it makes sense to respond to upset
New Ways for Mediation℠
© 2009 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Mediating high-conflict disputes requires a more structured process than that used in most ordinary conflicts. This is especially true when disputes involve ongoing relationships, such as parenting issues in divorce, elder law decision-making, business conflicts, workplace disputes and neighbor disputes. When these relationship disputes become “high-conflict” (extremely intense or prolonged), it is usually because one or more individuals lack conflict self-management skills, because of being temporarily overwhelmed or having a long-standing high-conflict personality pattern. This article explains New Ways for Mediation, a new, highly-structured method I have been developing in my professional family mediation practice over the past five years. It is specifically designed for mediating high-conflict disputes by guiding the parties in using simple self- management skills to their maximum ability, but can be used with any clients. Mediation Self-Management Skills People engaged in high-conflict disputes appear to lack the four key skills that are listed in the chart below on the left, and their resulting high-conflict behaviors are on the right. Self-Management Skills: Reflecting on one’s own behavior Flexible thinking and solutions Moderate negotiation behaviors Managed emotions High-Conflict Behaviors: Preoccupation with blaming others All-or-nothing thinking and solutions Extreme negotiation behaviors Unmanaged emotions Everyone gets upset sometimes and may display some of these high-conflict behaviors. However, some people appear to have high-conflict personalities, so that they repeat these behaviors over and over again in their lives because they lack these self-management skills. I believe it is helpful to think of them as high-conflict people (HCPs) so that your expectations for conflict resolution are not based on them managing themselves. Therefore, mediators need to provide a more structured process for them, rather than operating on the assumption they can manage themselves if they just try hard enough or are reprimanded or are allowed to speak until they get it off their chests. Important Note: Mediators don’t need to determine whether someone’s lack of skills is personality-based or just situational in using the New Ways for Mediation method. (In fact, it may be harmful to tell someone you think he or she has a high-conflict personality.) The New Ways for Mediation method can be applied with anyone in any case. The principles involved in this method are intended to be in addition to the mediator’s toolbox of methods and skills, rather than a replacement. If the parties manage well, the structure can be easily loosened. It’s easier to start with too much structure than it is to tighten up when there has been too little structure. The focus of the New Ways for Mediation method is on the working relationship with the parties, rather than on the actual outcome – the decisions – of the dispute. By letting go of the outcome, mediators avoid the power struggles of trying to drive the parties toward a quick settlement – or any settlement – just to get them out of the mediator’s office. High-conflict people pick up on adversarial relationships with mediators (and other professionals) who push them in directions they don’t want to go. This method avoids fighting with high-conflict clients by giving them clearer responsibility for making their own decisions, while the mediator focuses more clearly on maintaining a positive and productive relationship with the clients at all times. Structured Steps The basic steps for New Ways for Mediation are common to many mediation methods. The main difference is the structure within each step, which guides the parties in using simple self- management skills and blocking the use of high-conflict behaviors. Pre-Mediation Coaching The parties need to be oriented to the “structure and skills” approach of New Ways for Mediation in advance, for it to be most successful. This can be done in separate sessions by the mediator, by an intake staff member, by a lawyer for each party, by a counselor or by a conflict coach. For a more detailed description of this pre-mediation step see the article: Pre-Mediation Coaching by Bill Eddy (2012). Step 1: Signing Your Agreement to Mediate This step generally takes longer than in other mediation formats, as the mediator is bonding with the parties through the process of questions and explanations, as well as establishing that the mediator has tight control of the process. For example: “Welcome to mediation. Before we get started I want to emphasize three key aspects of the mediation process. #1: You folks are the decision-makers. I won’t make decisions for you, I won’t pressure you to make decisions and you don’t have to persuade me of anything. #2: I may have information on the subjects you are trying to decide today, and I am happy to share what knowledge I have about how other people have handled similar issues – but it is all information and not advice. #3: If you are dealing with a court case, it is helpful to know that the courts encourage mediation and will accept almost any out-of-court agreements you make, because you have more flexibility than a judge has so long as you both agree. Do you have any questions about these key aspects of mediation before we proceed?” This introduction reinforces the importance of the parties as decision-makers and the mediator’s role as not that of the ultimate decision-maker. Most parties don’t have any questions at this point and say they like these aspects of mediation. But if they do have questions about these three aspects, they can be thoroughly discussed. Some high-conflict participants are very anxious, so that discussing and resolving their concerns at this very fundamental level of the process can be kept simple. Next, the mediator should have the parties review and sign the Agreement to Mediate together, which clarifies specific issues, such as confidentiality, how the mediator is to be paid, communication between sessions and so forth. This often raises concerns for clients and discussing these procedural matters allows further opportunity for questions and answers – additional opportunities for the mediator to connect with the parties. Up to this point, the mediator