Calming Holiday Conflicts
Calming Holiday Conflicts ©2016 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. When family and friends gather for this holiday season, it can be a time of joy—and conflict. This year, after 18 months of a bruising campaign for President of the United States, there will be added tension if family members and friends voted for opposing candidates. News reports indicate that some people are even uninviting family members and friends because of how they voted. I hope this is not widespread. Instead, here are a few tips that may be helpful for calming holiday conflicts of any type: Separate the person from the problem. This has been an important concept since the landmark book Getting to Yes was published over 30 years ago about principled negotiations. It has guided dispute resolvers to help people in conflict reach agreements despite bad feelings between them. No matter how much we may dislike a person or group, it does not help to demonize them. Instead, it helps to talk about behavior and policies, and not to criticize the person. Yes, there are strong political differences that were heightened during this campaign and people may remain out-spoken about them; but let’s stay focused on the issues rather than the person. Consider the 5 to 1, positive to negative ratio. Many years ago, marriage researchers John and Julia Gottman identified the “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 in their book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. If there are five positive interactions to every negative interaction, then the marriage is healthy and sustainable. Using this approach, they have been able to predict that those with more negative interactions to positive will end up unhappy and likely to divorce. This same approach can apply to family and friends over the holidays. Emphasize the positive you have in common, rather than the negative differences. If you talk about disagreements for a few minutes, follow it up with five times more positive things to discuss or fun things to do together. Speak up in a friendly manner about inappropriate behavior. Concerns about bullying have grown this year, for schoolchildren as well as between genders, races, religions and other identities. When someone makes an inappropriate comment, you can just say “That’s enough, Joe!” rather than escalating it into a major confrontation. It’s easier to actually say that, than to gear up to give someone else a lecture about their behavior. There’s already too much negative lecturing on the internet these days. In face-to-face interactions, we can keep it civil without stifling our concerns. Give each other empathy, attention and respect. Regardless of opinions or behavior, everyone does better when they receive each other’s empathy, attention and respect. We teach this as “EAR Statements.” They can calm conflict and help people feel connected, rather than feeling like enemies. This helps us focus on the problem, not the person. As human beings, we have the ability to resolve major differences because we can have empathy for each other. I have seen this happen over and over again in mediation, collaborative practice and other non-adversarial methods of resolving conflicts. Even in adversarial legal disputes and political disputes, people can still treat each other with dignity and respect—and most do. Role models of peaceful conflict resolution. Despite our differences, we have had a peaceful election and are preparing a peaceful transition of government. This is truly amazing when we see so many unresolved and violent conflicts around the world. Let’s be role models of peace as we head into this holiday season and our collective political future. BILL EDDY, LCSW, ESQ. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. He pioneered the High Conflict Personality Theory (HCP) and is viewed globally as the leading expert on managing disputes involving people with high-conflict personalities. He has written more than twenty books on the topic, developed methods for managing high-conflict disputes, and has taught professionals in the U.S. and more than ten countries. He is also co-host of the popular podcast, It’s All Your Fault, and writes a popular blog on Psychology Today.
High Conflict Personalities in Employment Cases
©2016 John C. Edwards, Esq. It is expected and understood by most people in the legal profession that because of the intensely personal nature of the issues that come up in family law, many if not most cases in Family Court will be driven by High Conflict Personalities (HCPs.) What is not so expected and understood is that the same personality-driven conflicts that generate high-conflict family law cases are the driving force behind many of the employment cases that the courts and mediators see today. Even if the parties are not HCPs, the intense emotions generated by a termination or a hostile work environment can easily make an otherwise rational person react in a very non-rational way. Lawyers are well-trained to spot and analyze legal and factual issues, and then to achieve their goals by persuading others to see and understand the facts and law (the issues) as they have analyzed them. In my years as a trial lawyer and early years as a mediator, and before I understood the nature of High Conflict Personalities, I was frustrated by those cases in which legal reasoning and logic, the stock and trade for a lawyer, seemingly meant nothing. I couldn’t get my point across, but I kept trying as if saying it over and over again it might somehow sink in. In other cases, lawyers resort to high-pressure tactics and threats to convince the other side to capitulate. Although this tactic may be effective in some cases, with HCPs it often drives them in the other direction. Now I know that with HCPs the “issue” is not the issue, the personality is the issue, and I also know that in the context of a mediation, that personality is not going to change. In employment mediation, I am often asked or tasked with “making someone” understand a certain reality. Legal arguments are made and repeated, but usually to no avail. The lifelong pattern of thinking and behavior that dominates the HCP personality is not going to change in the limited time allotted for a mediation! The HCP in an employment case likely has no insight that his or her own behavior is the cause of a problem. The life-long enduring pattern of blaming others for all of life’s difficulties (which may very well have been the reason why the case is in court) is not going to disappear because of some well-crafted legal reasoning. If we aren’t likely to resolve the conflict by legal reasoning and persuasion, and if threats don’t work, what can be done? Most importantly, we must remind ourselves what we shouldn’t do. First and foremost, remember that HCP’s are not logical thinkers and they do not respond well to negative feedback, therefore we must resist the urge to admonish or even advise them. When responding to HCPs it is always beneficial to you, and to them, to employ the BIFF Response® method: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (see BIFF Response for more information). Also remember that the HCP’s behavior is fear-driven, which may lead them to want to fight. We don’t want to fight, but if we feel like we are being attacked, we have to remind ourselves that this isn’t about us, it’s about the HCP’s inability to manage his or her emotions. The most important skill for those of us dealing with an HCP is to establish and maintain a connection with the HCP. How we communicate, both with what we say and how we say it is critical. With a connection to the person, we can begin the process of looking forward to a reflective discussion wherein possible consequences can be considered along with possible resolutions. Without a connection, we are likely doomed to the endless cycle of defensive thinking and behavior that characterizes the HCP mindset. One such method we developed and recommend is the CARS Method®: Connecting with empathy, attention and respect Analyzing future options or choices Responding to resistance and misinformation with a BIFF Response Setting your limits For more on the CARS method, read It’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People. No matter how wedded to the conflict the parties appear to be, at some level of consciousness they usually want the case resolved. I have done my job if I have helped them understand their BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.) If they come to a rational, logical conclusion that they are better off continuing in court, then that is what they should do. It’s their case, it’s up to them. On the other hand, if their decision not to settle is based on reactive, defensive thinking and I have been unsuccessful in helping them calm down and engage their logical brain, I will probably not be successful. Additional Resources Get the BIFF Response Book and learn the 4 easy steps to control hostile communications. Need help with counsel or clients? Get High Conflict People in Legal Disputes, 2nd Ed. Need to know more about the CARS Method®? Read It’s All Your Fault at Work. JOHN C. EDWARDS is an attorney, mediator and trainer for the High Conflict Institute. He has taught the High Conflict Personality Theory for the Advanced Mediation Training Program at the National Conflict Resolution Center, as well as in many seminars given to a wide array of professional groups in various states. As a skilled dispute resolver, John began his mediation practice in 2002 after practicing law as a litigator for many years. Since then, he has successfully mediated hundreds of cases including real estate matters, professional malpractice, personal injury, employment disputes, probate, and business disputes in addition to his speaking and training engagements.
Narcissists as Leaders: Good or Bad for Your Organization?
©2013 Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. Whether in business, politics or workgroups, there is a natural tendency to select narcissistic leaders. They are attracted to leadership roles as part of their personalities – their drive for extra respect and extra attention; their belief in their own ideas; their enjoyment of winning contests; their ability to charm and persuade people; and their ability to focus narrowly in a goal (getting chosen as the leader). People looking for leaders are attracted to narcissists for similar reasons – they grab our attention; we like being charmed and persuaded; we like how hard they work to become our leaders; we naturally are attracted to stories of overcoming past challenges and visions of future success; and the average person doesn’t want the headaches of being a leader (or competing with a narcissist to get there). Healthy Narcissists So far, nothing I have said appears to be a problem. The dynamics between narcissistic leaders and members seem to be part of human nature – and may have helped us organize and survive as humans over thousands of years against endless adversity. It may be that “healthy narcissism” works – it helps people persevere in the face of incredible odds, to be unfazed by strong criticism, to get attention for unpopular (but sometimes good) ideas, and to draw together many different types of people (sometimes millions) around them and their ideas. This may be especially true in times of war and survival. This also may be true in times of cultural revolutions, such as the popular entrepreneurs who have led incredible breakthroughs resulting in our high-tech lifestyles, such as Bill Gates (Microsoft), Steve Jobs (Apple), Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook) and Jeff Bezos (Amazon). News reports and commentators have referred to each of them as narcissists, yet they may be the “healthy narcissists.” Steve Jobs famously said that he didn’t do market research because people didn’t really know what they wanted – but he did! Pathological Narcissists On the other hand, some leaders are pathological narcissists, who on the surface have many of the same appealing characteristics as healthy narcissists. Unfortunately, under the surface, they meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They are “over the top.” The Diagnostic Manual for Mental Health Professionals (DSM-5) says that a personality disorder is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior that “leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Ed., American Psychiatric Association, 2013). The manual lists several criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder, including: a “grandiose sense of self-importance” preoccupied with “fantasies of unlimited success” and power belief that he/she is uniquely “special” “requires excessive admiration” “has a sense of entitlement” exploits relationships “lacks empathy” and is “envious” and “arrogant.” (DSM-5) Of course, only licensed mental health professionals can make a diagnosis after a thorough assessment. Otherwise, you should never tell someone you think they are a narcissist – and it would be arrogant to do so! Can You Tell the Difference? Since pathological narcissists are “distressed or impaired” by definition, it would be obvious that they are not good candidates as leaders in an organization. But since it is not easy to tell the difference between healthy and pathological narcissists on the surface, what can you do? One approach is to recognize the key differences between people with personality disorders and those who may just have some traits, but not be “impaired.” There are three characteristics that distinguish people with personality disorders (any personality disorder: Lack of self-awareness and self-reflection: They can’t see their part in the problem. This is similar to denial for an alcoholic or addict. They are defensive rather than insightful. Lack of adaptation or change: Even though their behavior is dysfunctional, they don’t change it – because they don’t think they have a problem. The cause of their problems is outside of them: Since they don’t see their part and they don’t change, they feel helpless or aggressively try to change other people to help them feel better. If you are trying to decide who to promote into a leadership role, this suggests that you want to find out how well they accept feedback and whether they have ever tried to change or improve their own behavior. If the person is preoccupied with being right and with criticizing other people’s behavior, then they would appear to be less likely to be good leaders in most organizations. Especially in today’s world of rapid change and innovation, leaders need to be flexible and fast learners. Pathological narcissists need not apply. But since it’s hard to tell the difference between healthy narcissists and pathological narcissists on the surface, would another approach be to simply avoid selecting narcissistic leaders altogether? Let’s look at the research. Narcissists in Workgroups In their book, The Narcissism Epidemic, the authors Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell explain that narcissists in the workplace see themselves as great leaders and that they are more likely to be chosen as leaders by their peers. But then, over time, their peers see their “negative qualities and stop viewing them as leaders.” Studies have shown that narcissist managers are generally rated as average for problem-solving skills, but below average for “leadership skills, interpersonal skills and integrity.” They add that narcissists in workgroups, even when they aren’t the leaders, take credit for the work of others, tend to do less work than others and blame their co-workers for problems even when they are friends. But they impress those above them in the organization. The result is that narcissists are good at “kissing up” and “kicking down.” (My terms.) Narcissists as Business Leaders One of the popular beliefs about the best business leaders is that they have a lot of charisma: They can stand out, grab your attention and sell you anything. Because they are seen as so outgoing, everyone is happy to follow them and work hard for them. Based on this belief, you would