Abandon Abstraction: A Practical Approach to Changing Difficult Behavior
© 2024 by Cherolyn Knapp, B.Comm, LLB.B, Q.Med
You’re a leader who has to deal with chronic complaints about a key contributor’s problematic behavior. This person is valuable to the organization – whether because of their institutional memory, technical know-how, business development contacts or all of the above.
When spoken to about improving their behavior, this employee denies the feedback as “false accusations” and claims to be targeted unfairly. Their lack of insight into how their behavior lands on other people makes managing their performance very challenging.
It’s natural that you gravitate toward an insight model of coaching employees to improve performance, emphasizing self-awareness, empathy, and a growth mindset. But after two or three coaching conversations, you get nowhere. The employee is stuck rehashing past events in order to point out how others were in the wrong.
The employee simply can’t accept constructive feedback or figure out how to make changes. The employee leaves the meetings mystified and frustrated. Your supportive leadership attempts feel like harassment.
Spoiler Alert: Quit Trying to Lead the Person to Insight
How can your organization retain this valuable employee while limiting the harm they cause to co-workers, risk of brain drain from other employee departures, and perceptions that management “does nothing” about problem employees? Here are some tips on how to do that:
- Private working theory: Develop a judgment-free private working theory as to whether the employee may have high conflict personality traits. If the person has a pattern of struggling to manage emotions, getting stuck on all or nothing thinking, blaming others when things don’t go their way, and engaging in behaviors that make you ask yourself “who does that?” it’s time to change your approach.
- Focus on preferred behavior: Although it’s easier to tell someone the behaviors you want them to avoid, the employee will feel unfairly criticized and won’t know how to be different. Focus on identifying the behaviors you want to see instead, and supporting the employee to develop those skills.
- Let go of insight: It’s challenging to coach for behavior improvement when you are used to coaching for insight. If you find yourself writing performance improvement plans for a high conflict employee that expect increased “self-awareness” or “emotional intelligence,” you are trying to lead the employee to insight and the plan will likely backfire.
- Develop a formula: It doesn’t matter that the employee develops self-awareness, it only matters that they conduct themselves in the way that is expected. Break down what you are looking for into specific observable behaviors that address the problem behaviors you want to avoid.
No Skydiver Started Out Knowing All the Steps
Here’s another way to look at it. I have never skydived before. I do not consider that I have a future skydiver deep inside of me. If you told me that in order to keep my job, I needed to perform a skydiving maneuver, I would be freaked out and mystified about what to do. No amount of self-reflection or self-study would get me to the point of being able to jump out of a plane and operate a parachute to safety.
On the other hand, people like me can go to skydiving school and learn step by step a series of behaviors and actions, from putting on a flight suit and harnesses to safety training to timing of steps from pre-boarding to post-landing. When you put all those steps together, it adds up to skydiving.
In the same way, people who exhibit difficult behavior can be taught a formula for preferred behaviors that constitute the 4 Big Skills™ of managing emotions, moderate behavior, flexible thinking and checking yourself.
The following table gives some examples of how you could describe observable behaviors that you want the employee to develop in performance plans or expectation letters:
|
Problem behavior |
Preferred behavior |
|
Storming out of rooms Abruptly logging off meetings |
Maintain composure during meetings Interact professionally with colleagues Respectfully disengage from a conversation when a break is needed |
|
Loud outbursts Silent treatment |
Regulate emotions during times of stress |
|
Dominating meetings Interrupting conversations |
Share airtime during meetings and conversations Use active listening skills and ask questions before responding to express own perspectives |
|
High volume of lengthy emails Personal attacks in emails |
Write brief, informational and constructive messages using BIFF Response® style of writing |
|
Stirring up toxic group dynamics Creating us vs. them camps |
Speak promptly with appointed supervisor about workplace concerns Collaborate professionally with colleagues |
Conclusion
While it may be tempting to focus on a high conflict employee’s personal growth, it’s often more effective to focus on specific behaviors. By providing clear expectations, support, and directed coaching, you can help high-conflict employees improve their behavior, reduce frustration and create a more positive and productive work environment. The goal is not to change the personality, but to change the behavior.
New Ways for Work® training courses:
Want to develop your skills for coaching high conflict employees to improve their behavior or leading toxic teams? Register for New Ways for Work® Leaders and New Ways for Work® Coaching. Courses are offered several times per year.
Cherolyn Knapp, B.Comm, LL.B, Q.Med is a conflict resolution consultant, mediator, trainer, workplace investigator, and lawyer based in Victoria, Canada. She holds a B.Comm (Human Resources) from Toronto Metropolitan University and an LL.B. from the University of Ottawa. Cherolyn began teaching HCI’s techniques in 2020, and she now brings a thorough knowledge of high conflict personality traits and resolution strategies to HCI’s trainings. Cherolyn is the New Ways for Work® instructor for HCI.
