How to Avoid Getting Hooked by High Conflict Behavior

© 2024 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

High conflict behavior has an intensity to it that grabs your attention and sometimes feels like you got kicked in the gut (or maybe you really did!). There’s the blame (“it’s all your fault”). There’s the all-or-nothing thinking (“it’s my way or the highway”). There may be unmanaged emotions (yelling, tears, running out of the room). There may be extreme behaviors that 90% of people would never do (such as hiding things, spreading rumors, stealing, breaking things, threatening bodily harm, actual violence). This can happen in families, in the workplace, in communities, online, and any other setting. The question is: How to respond? It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by such behavior and to over-react or under-react. This article addresses some ways of avoiding getting hooked and logically choosing whether to respond or not.

Your Self-Talk

When we’re around high conflict behavior, and especially when its directed at us, we can reduce its impact by how we interpret it. If you think to yourself: “How dare they treat me this way” or “I can’t let them get away with this,” then your emotions may become hooked (your thinking shuts down) and you may become highly defensive, outraged and overreact. Or instead, you may feel helpless, worn down, and self-critical. “I deserve this. No one respects me. I’m a failure.” These tend to lead to underreacting.

However, you have control over what you tell yourself. In order not to absorb the high conflict intensity, it often helps to tell yourself, “It’s not about me! It’s about their lack of self-management skills.” Or: “No one deserves to be treated this way, even if they made a mistake.” Or: “This is way out of proportion. Most people don’t behave this way.” Silently telling yourself these statements can help a lot.

You can also give yourself encouraging statements (also known as affirmations) on a regular basis. “I’m doing a good job.” “I don’t have to accept this criticism.” “I have friends. A lot of people like me.” “This is one of my sensitive spots that I’m overcoming.” Some people put post-it stickers on their bathroom mirrors to remind them of their encouraging statements.

If you are heading into a situation where you expect high conflict behavior (such as a tense meeting with a boss, angry ex, or client), you can repeat your encouraging statements beforehand as a way of “putting on your armor” to protect yourself. If you repeat these statements to yourself while you are being criticized, the voice of the critic is actually less loud in your ears and may have less of an impact.

Setting Limits Matter-of-Factly

Some high conflict behavior needs to be stopped. If the person cannot stop himself or herself, then you may wonder whether to intervene. Most people are uncomfortable with the idea of stopping another person’s high conflict behavior, out of fear that it will escalate. But if you keep this at a matter-of-fact level, it may be quite manageable. For example, a short statement may be sufficient to stop the behavior, such as “That’s enough, Joe.” Or: “Give me a break, Jane.” You don’t have to initiate a major confrontation. Of course, if you are in danger, don’t worry about what to say, just get away.

In general, do not emotionally engage with someone with high conflict behavior. Simply disengage by saying you have something else you need to do (most people do). If you engage emotionally, whether anger, sadness, fear, or frustration, it feeds someone engaged in high conflict behavior and they often will try to pull you into a further emotional exchange.

Avoid Arguing with a High Conflict Person

If someone has a repeated pattern of high conflict behavior, it may be part of their personality. This means that they are very unlikely to take in any feedback from anyone else. While it is tempting to argue with their strange logic or inappropriate behavior, it is pointless. They will just fight you harder as they insist on their point of view as the only valid point of view. You are not going to change how they think, so don’t bother. High conflict people rarely reflect on their own behavior and you can’t make them. It’s part of their personality.

Feeling tempted to argue with a high conflict person (HCP) is one way to recognize that you are emotionally hooked. This means that your defensive brain wants to protect you from the HCP’s behavior by getting them to stop or change. But, as stated above, your emotional reactions will engage the person in a further emotional exchange, rather than stopping it.

Instead of arguing, think about setting limits matter-of-factly—including informing them of the possible consequences if they do not stop. “If you continue to talk to me this way, I’m going to have to end this conversation.” Or: “Our company does not tolerate that kind of behavior. If it doesn’t stop, your job may be in jeopardy.” You can do this matter-of-factly, rather than getting emotionally hooked. Your personal restraint may be contagious, such that the HCP also calms down instead of becoming more emotional.

Don’t Become a Negative Advocate

Negative advocates are people who are emotionally hooked into attacking someone else that a high conflict person wants to attack. The other person is usually an HCP’s “target of blame.” This is usually someone who has not done anything wrong, but HCPs feel driven to blame their own problems on someone else. So, you must watch out for this. If you notice that someone is highly emotional in telling you about how someone else has harmed them, it could be true or completely untrue. Be extremely cautious about joining in on blaming someone else (as you would want others to be cautious before blaming you). Check things out with others rather than relying on one upset person’s accusations.

If someone comes complaining to you about someone else, you can be supportive in a relatively neutral way until you know more about the situation. You can say: “Oh, that sounds so hard.” Or: “I can’t say if I agree or disagree. I’ll need more information before I can become involved.”

It helps to consider three theories of the high conflict case: 1) Allegations that someone is acting badly may be true. 2) The allegations may be false and the person making the allegations is acting badly (an HCP blaming their target of blame). Or: 3) Both people may be acting badly. Do not adopt one of these theories until you have enough information to be certain you are not becoming a negative advocate.

Practice

In order to avoiding getting emotionally hooked by high conflict behavior, it helps to practice what you might say or do if such a situation arises. In High Conflict Institute trainings, there often are role-play practice exercises like this. Each participant gets a chance to hear high conflict statements (such as raised voices saying: “It’s all your fault!”). Then, the other person practices staying calm and giving a statement that shows empathy, attention, or respect (an EAR Statement). This usually calms the upset person within 30 seconds. Many people have a favorite phrase handy in case of being criticized. “Remember, it’s not about me. It’s about their lack of conflict resolution skills.”

Likewise, you can practice not getting hooked by another person’s blaming stories about others. Be prepared to be skeptical when someone says: “So-and-so is such a jerk. I hate them. Do you know what they did or said!” Have a friend, co-worker, or family member practice say things like that to you so you can practice listening and acknowledging their emotions without having to agree with them. “That sounds hard. You look upset. I’ll never know if that happened. I wasn’t there. But I’ll make a note of that.” If the person asks you to intervene on their behalf (“I hope you’ll talk to them and tell them to stop doing XYZ”), you can respond. “I’ll need to think about that.” Or: “It sounds like a problem that you need to solve. I’ve got enough of my own. Good luck with that.”

Conclusion

This brief article suggests ways to avoid getting emotionally hooked by another person’s high conflict behavior. What you tell yourself can make all the difference. You can also set limits matter-of-factly with a brief comment that doesn’t turn into a major confrontation. Try to avoid arguing with the person, as it won’t make it better and often makes it worse. That’s a sign that you’re hooked. Avoid becoming a negative advocate against someone else. This can happen when your emotions are hooked against a high conflict person’s target of blame. Remember that all of these situations can potentially hook your emotions, but that they don’t have to. You can practice ways to avoid getting hooked. Be prepared. There appears to be an increasing amount of high conflict behavior in the world these days, in families, communities, at work, and online. The more people who learn and practice these simple tips, the less stressed and more reasonable we will all be.

BILL EDDY, LCSW, Esq. is a family lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the Co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. He is a family lawyer, family therapist, and family mediator. He trains professionals worldwide about high conflict personalities and situations, presenting in over 35 states and 13 countries. He is the author of twenty books and manuals, including High Conflict People in Legal Disputes; Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder; and BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices. He writes a blog for PsychologyToday.com with over 6 million views. He is on the Advisory Board of the Divorce Coalition and co-host of the podcast, It’s All Your Fault! with Megan Hunter, MBA. His website is www.HighConflictInstitute.com.   

His newest book is Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them, was released in June 2024, and includes several domestic violence examples.