Managing a Blamer with an Assertive Approach

Excerpted from Splitting...

...After thehearing, the judge ordered Sam and Sarah into a custody evaluation, and awardedSam temporary custody of their son, Jay, pending a full evaluation and hearing oncustody. Sarah was given visitation three days a week, with exchanges at hercousin’s house, and required to undergo a substance abuse assessment.
Sam alsoproduced a deed showing that their home was only in his name, claiming it washis separate property. His attorney said that if anyone should move out, it wasSarah. He said that she could stay with her cousin. The judge seemedsympathetic with Sam and told Sarah she must move. Her temporary restrainingorder was dismissed.
After Tammy said that Thomas had molested theirdaughter, the court counselor was required by law to contact Child ProtectiveServices (CPS) and inform them of the sexual abuse report so that it could beinvestigated. To be safe, the court counselor recommended that Tammy have temporarycustody and that Thomas have supervised visitation until an investigation couldbe done.
Soon afterward, the court ordered a fullpsychological evaluation of the family and a hearing on it in three months.Until the hearing, Thomas was ordered to have three hours a week of supervisedvisitation at a local agency, which he had to pay for.
Thomas was a trusting, problem-solving person.Known as being friendly and cooperative, he originally believed he would easilysucceed in his case. But after he was ordered to have supervised visitation, hewas furious: “How could the judge assume I’m guilty and make such an order? Whydidn’t you tell the court Tammy was lying? If she’s going to make a bunch ofallegations, then we need to make even more allegations against her.”
His attorney responded, “Slow down. This is justthe beginning. We can’t be passive, but we can’t be too aggressive either. Thisis the court’s procedure, and we need to follow it as perfectly as we can. Wehave to take the high road and expose her false statements while not appearingto make wild accusations ourselves. How you appear to the court is just asimportant as getting out the facts. We now have a lot of work to do toaccomplish both. We have to be very assertive."...
To learn more about the Assertive Approach for yourself or your clients, purchase your copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with a Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The above was excerpted from Splitting, to read more of this passage, order your copy of Splitting by visiting To learn more about Bill Eddy, visit To learn more about co-author, Randi Kreger, visit

High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations, as well and books, DVDs and CDs regarding dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) in legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of It's All Your Fault!, Splitting, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns and Don't Alienate the Kids!. He is an author, attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and consultations, Bill Eddy or to purchase a book, CD or DVD, visit:

Bill Eddy Attorney, Mediator, and Clinical SocialWorker

Randi Kreger -Co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, author of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook and The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder